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I didn't sleep enough Wednesday night, so by Thursday afternoon my eyelids were heavy and my body was screaming out "Sleep! Sleep!" So a little after five in the afternoon, I decided to take a quick nap. A little power nap to recharge my batteries before diving into study and cleaning mode to prepare for the coming weekend.

My blood sugar was at 222 with only a little active insulin. I'd been high in the early afternoon and hadn't accurately bolused for a late lunch. I decided to leave it alone until after my nap though...giving my body an hour or two to use that remaining insulin and peak out.

I curled up in bed with my cat and a good book...falling asleep within a few minutes. It was a dreamless sleep...too deep to notice the world around me or the world inside me. A limitless fatigue overwhelming every inch of my body and soul. The effects of ineffective sleeping and the recent change in medications.

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I've been in an emotional slump these past few days. I'm staying really busy and trying to keep my mind on other things, but mostly I just want to move and have my old life back where I live alone, hang out with Marvin, and have fun with my friends. Even if it means working full time or going to graduate school. I just really need that.

Stress hits me hard sometimes. It can really affect my health. Not my blood sugars usually, but the joint pain and the emotions and all the other issues that I deal with spiral out of control when I'm stressed. And I'm feeling incredibly stressed this past week.

I know that this is a transition period for me. I know that things will work out. But right now, I am just feeling so vulnerable with everything. I haven't found the right job. I'm waiting to hear back about graduate school. I have no idea when I might be able to move. Vulnerability really doesn't sit well with me.

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Life is full of scary moments. Life with health issues is especially scary at times. Each person struggles with different fears and different aspects of diseases, but there is always a recurrent line of fear.

For me, there is the fear of difficult pregnancies. I would absolutely love to have my own biological children, but there is a part of me that knows that might not be possible. Not only am I high risk from the diabetes, but PCOS makes pregnancy an often far-fetched and difficult event.

I'm afraid that I won't have a full term pregnancy. I'm afraid that I'll struggle to get pregnant in the first place. I'm afraid that I'll do something wrong or something even out of my control to hurt my baby. I'm afraid that I won't have the option to decide my own birth plan.

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A week or so ago, Marvin and I were discussing fertility in the context of the measles affecting a man's fertility. I have no idea how it came up, but it did in that weird way that topics randomly pass across the synapses. In the course of our conversation, I mentioned my own fertility.

Between PCOS and endometriosis, there's a strong possibility that I have fertility problems. No doctor has told me that and I don't need to know for several years. But it's the statistical facts that both those conditions affect the ability to get pregnant.

Marvin's response: "That sucks. I want lots of kids."

It was an unexpected comment. Mainly because we are casually dating and it was such a blatant statement that he was considering having kids with me. It isn't like I haven't considered the same prospect, but it was still a slight shock to hear the words come out of his mouth.

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I haven’t been very good about sharing our CGM experiences so far. Sorry about that. So busy lately. There’s always something going on. Today we celebrated Ben’s fifth birthday with a carnival-themed party in the back yard. I’m still picking whipped cream from my ears and eyeballs from the pie throw game. Seemed like a good idea on paper. Man, those kids launched those pies at me with a vengeance!

So, the CGM (continuous glucose monitor).

Started off really good. Got a little bad. Then good again. And bad at the moment. Not so much the accuracy of it. That’s been surprisingly on the money for the most part. Just some of the baggage and burdens of it affecting Charlie.

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As most of you know by now, I've been thrust into the job market after finishing my degree. It was something that I was prepared for, but definitely not at the same time. It's been hectic, stressful, and informative. Some days, I feel on top of the world. And others, I feel like the world is crashing in on me.

My degree was in sociology with a minor in women's and gender studies. I also spent a good deal focusing on health and illness. Now, what can I do with this? Well pretty much anything. There's communications, non-profit, public relations, government work, sales, and so on.

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It has been a long time since I had a hypoglycemia-related seizure.  Over a year.  This, compared to monthly convulsive insulin reactions when I was in my twenties and early thirties.  I am thankful for a break which appears to have some promise of permanence.  But a break doesn't eliminate fear. 

My roommate heads back to Texas tomorrow morning.  Leaving me with this apartment, and on my own for the first time ever.  I have to admit, the idea of an apartment of my own is in some ways very nice.   Space.  Time.  Quiet.  Peace.  But I am also terrified.  Afraid that diabetes and its accompanying life-threatening dangers will visit in the night.  

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Sunday night, my throat started hurting pretty badly. I haven't had any type of cold or cough in probably two years. Usually the first signs, I can kick whatever I have with extra vitamin C and this juice that I drink. I did the usual, but it stayed irritated.

So Monday night, I ate some tomato soup and tried to drink as much water and juice as possible. I was 113 and thought I'd covered the food okay. I went for a run, hoping the endorphins would bump up my immune system. After a quick shower, I was 96. I wasn't sure how the food and running might hit me, so I just waited.

But while waiting, I got distracted. So it was an hour and a half later before I checked again. I felt okay, but I wanted to double check. And thank goodness. I was 55. I drank some juice and ate some crackers trying not to over treat. I didn't want to waste my run by consuming more calories.

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Today's DBlog Week Prompt: Today let’s borrow a topic from a #dsma chat held last September.  The tweet asked “What is one thing you would tell someone that doesn’t have diabetes about living with diabetes?”.  Let’s do a little advocating and post what we wish people knew about diabetes.  Have more than one thing you wish people knew?  Go ahead and tell us everything.

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