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Since I'm right in the middle of my "dating prime," dating is on my mind. Of course, there is the typical stuff about meeting new guys and just trying to be myself while catching their attention. Then there is the serious side of me that wonders about the long term situations and all that entails. To top it off (like a cherry on a sundae), there is dating and diabetes.
I'm usually okay with dating and diabetes. I don't hide it, but I don't flaunt it. I always take a survey of the situation before throwing diabetes into the mix. I don't really have a problem telling dates about my diabetes. It's something that is completely a part of me and therefore, something they must completely accept. (READ MORE)

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It's been a bit busy this week, leaving me somewhat late on reporting back on Saturday's d-group meeting to see Breakthrough: The Dramatic Story of the Discovery of Insulin, a special exhibit showing at the New York Historical Society. Since I had to work Sunday, this ended up as the total of my World Diabetes Day celebrations this year.

 

 

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When I was little, I imagined a perfect life. I picked careers, pretended to make life-changing decisions and pictured my future. Nothing was affected by realistic needs and the facts of my life. I could be anything and never worry about discrimination in the workplace. I could live anywhere and not stress over medical access or insurance. My mind was limitless.
Now I make these life-changing decisions for real: I pick future careers, places to live and potential spouses. Now I have limits. My decisions factor in my diabetes and my future with diabetes. I look at things like job requirements, insurance benefits and personal reactions to my diabetes. Everything is affected by it. (READ MORE)

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At the beginning of the month, I wrote about online dating. I couldn't decide how to approach my health conditions. Was I supposed to hold them back or just put everything out there from the beginning?

 

I decided to take a medium sized approach. The few that have progressed to getting my actual email address, I've told about my diabetes. It was easier to "admit" about my diabetes than hide it. After all, my blog, Diabetic Echoes, and so many other things in my life are because of that one diagnosis.

 

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This might sound odd and I'll probably get various opinions on the topic, but I decided to try online "dating." I haven't had success with meeting the right person here in college, so having someone else pick for me seemed like a great idea. My logic is that more mature, serious guys will be on dating sites, rather than the typical college scene.

 

As I set up my profile on one of the sites, I started to wonder about how to present my conditions (both my diabetes and my other conditions). I decided to leave it out of the "About Me" sections for fear that people might judge me and move on. I didn't want to have my "cover" read incorrectly.

 

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A week or so ago, Marvin and I were discussing fertility in the context of the measles affecting a man's fertility. I have no idea how it came up, but it did in that weird way that topics randomly pass across the synapses. In the course of our conversation, I mentioned my own fertility.

 

Between PCOS and endometriosis, there's a strong possibility that I have fertility problems. No doctor has told me that and I don't need to know for several years. But it's the statistical facts that both those conditions affect the ability to get pregnant.

 

Marvin's response: "That sucks. I want lots of kids."

 

It was an unexpected comment. Mainly because we are casually dating and it was such a blatant statement that he was considering having kids with me. It isn't like I haven't considered the same prospect, but it was still a slight shock to hear the words come out of his mouth.

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Dating has a lot to do with how comfortable you feel in your own skin and especially around that other person. Diabetes, PCOS, and any other health condition really can make comfort an extremely troubling thing. It's something that I've become very familiar with over the past few years.

 

Diabetes can make feeling "okay" or "right" a distant thing, a rare thing. Each range of numbers can throw your moods into tailspins. Lows make you weak, anxious. Highs make you irritable, crabby. Just knowing the number, even without the biological effects, can upset a perfectly even keel.

 

There are the bruises and bumps from years of insulin injections. The calluses on fingertips. Those things don't make you feel comfortable, sexy in your own skin. They remind you, they remind your lover that you aren't whole.

 

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I sat on the bathroom floor. A world of cold, white surrounded me. My hands gripped the edge of the toilet. My stomach turned. My body ached. Chills ripped through me. I moved closer to the toilet and he stood a little closer behind me. Standing, ready and waiting. To hold my hair back. To do whatever I needed him to do.

 

This is what dating looks like. A pinpoint moment in an array of events. The responsibility of caring. The desperation of having chronic health issues. The pain of having your body so enveloped by its own detrimental mechanisms.

 

Wednesday, I found out some bad news. I didn't want to be alone. So I called the guy I'm seeing (recall, we call him Marvin for no good reason). Marvin told me to come over and greeted me with a hug. Just the kind of thing a broken heart needs.

 

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Monday and Tuesday, I took some time to myself. I didn't do anything spectacular. I just developed my new plan and recouped from the last week's health turmoil. But mainly, I was giving my emotions a little space, a little time to cool off.

 

You see, my moods have been all over the place in the past month or two. Marvin has unfortunately been right in the midst of all these changing emotions. He's the one person that I see most often now. And he's high on the list of emotional triggers right now as well. The kind of attraction or affection that makes you value every word that comes out of their mouth.

 

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I am all sorts of emotions at the moment. First, I am frustrated. Then I'm confused, upset, and angry. I'm happy, content, and at peace. But also so unwhole and so discontent.

 

My blood sugars have decided to jump back up. Even with extra insulin. I'm not sure what that is all about, but it's very frustrating and annoying. I just want to forget about diabetes at the moment anyway. It seems so unimportant in the scheme of life.

 

I met with the career advisor at school today, which went fine. She confirmed that I'm doing everything right in the job hunt. I also got a few more resources and some advice on my resume. So I'm hoping that helps open something up for me soon. Because I'm scared and unsure of what the future holds for me right now. And I hate that feeling. I'm a planner.

 

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