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Yesterday was just a crappy day in general. I think my brain was just working overtime which is never good for me. I try to keep the
depression that comes with having diabetes at bay but sometimes it is overwhelming. Sometimes it seems nothing will get me out of it.
I have found the best way for me to get this junk out is to get it out literally literally! I write my blog here at dLife and
my personal blog. I share the good times and bad. So many times I have thought, "no one wants to hear about my cruddy day" but whenever I have, someone else has commented on how they too feel that way now and then.
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"I don't care."
That has been a familiar phrase from my lips lately. My wife asks me how many Weight Watchers points a particular meal is when we go out to dinner and I will respond with "I don't care." That probably explains why I have gained two pounds over the past two weeks. I just do not care.
And with that I have not really calculated my carbs. I have been loosely guessing and then making major corrections 2 hours later. I am still checking my BG. I am not guessing on that. But I just feel so uninterested in my life right now. I know that makes no sense especially since I am writing about it now.
I guess I am looking for advice although I do not feel I am in a place to accept or follow any of it. Maybe I want to hear, "I've been there and its okay." Maybe that will make me feel better. I don't know.
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Yesterday, George talked about
not caring. Burnout is something I think we all go through in all parts of our lives, but perhaps especially when it comes to diabetes.
I can't think of another chronic illness where the victim is in almost complete control. What I mean is that in theory, if a person with diabetes does everything "right" then everything should be OK. I'll even go out on a limb and say that people addicted to alcohol or drugs don't have as much control over their disease as people with diabetes are lead to believe they have.
High post-prandial numbers? It's your fault.
High A1C? It's your fault.
Meds not working? It's your fault.
Complications? It must be your fault.
In contrast--in-range post prandials, an A1C lower than 7 and 20 years complication free equal a high-five and "Great job!"
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I love this time of year so much and there are dozens of reasons why.
Christmas time elicits so many warm feelings of love and togetherness. My mind is instantly filled with great memories and thoughts. My body just seems to run on happy auto-pilot all the time. I just feel good. People in general just seem to be so much more pleasant. Everybody's energy is so much more peaceful and caring. I constantly wonder how the world would be if everyone would just stay in this peaceful mind frame year round. Wouldn't that just be amazing? I wish. Right? One of the things that I like the most is hearing all the Christmas songs.
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It's not unusual for me to be woken in the wee hours of the morning. Typical offenders include No. 1, No. 2, No. 3 and The Mr.'s snoring. Despite the amount of water I *think* I drink, it's surprisingly not to visit the facilities.
But Sunday morning, some time before 5 a.m. I awoke. Confused, not feeling right and uncomfortable. Something propelled me to go potty. Oh, the pain was terrible! I had the
same symptoms of blood in my urine (which pretty much mimics a urinary tract infection) that I had at the end of February. This was miserable.
Still uncomfortable, I tried to go back to sleep, but the stinging wouldn't let up. And, well, The Mr. was snoring. I maneuvered around the creeky boards in our 100-year-old home to the living room couch, where I honestly thought I'd be able to fall asleep. But I found myself in the bathroom literally every two minutes squeezing out teeny drops of relief.
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In honor of
National Diabetes Month, Abbott Diabetes Care is running a special series of web-based chat sessions with parents of kids with diabetes in mind.
Children With Diabetes founder Jeff Hitchcock and Caring for a Child with Diabetes author Brenda Novak are featured guests You can pre-register for these November events over at the
Abbott website.
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I'm not sure I'm ready to admit to this. In the real world, I haven't told any more than a few very close girl friends. And if my mother asks, I will certainly deny it. I'm fairly confident that she doesn't read my blog, and the admission I'm about to make is central to my diabetes life, so I might as well come out with it.
My husband and I are talking about having another kid. I know I was the most miserable pregnant woman in the world and I swore never, never again. But it is a woman's perogotive to change her mind, isn't it?
When we first started talking about trying for #2, I thought we were going to wait a year. Give me the opportunity to shed the rest of the baby weight and have a year to enjoy being a threesome. But my husband suggested we aren't getting any younger, and wouldn't it be nice to have two close in age. So, we've agreed to start trying this fall.
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I’m sorry.
I know the first “no no” in blogging is to not post about why you have not posted in a while but still this must be addressed.
Life has been a major downer for me lately. My blood sugars have been through the roof, I have put on almost all the weight I lost while on Weight Watchers, and I moved.
First I will tell you that we had to move, we did not choose to. We were owners and are now renting a home. I am sure you can read between those lines. Being 35 with 2 kids and starting over is not only difficult but extremely depressing. The feeling of being a failure had been engulfing me for months. It has made it hard to write and share that with you all not only because of embarrassment but because I did not want to be a downer.
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The last few weeks have been gloomy. I am not referring to the weather either since here in Los Angeles we had over 100°F temperatures over the weekend. No I am talking about my outlook and mood.
While reading through all of the posts I have been writing I notice a
common theme. A sense of sad and gloom that is not typically me. Anyone who has ever met me would not consider me a "down" or depressing guy. I am usually the life of the party type who you can hardly get to sit still.
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Many of us have wondered "Why me?" when confronting this disease. It’s easy to get caught up in pity when you’re diagnosed with a chronic illness. We want a reason for our diabetes. Not a medical cause, but a legitimate human reason. What did we do to bring this on ourselves? Is it some sort of punishment? Is it a test? Is it God’s/god’s/the universe’s doing?
The "Why me?" question seems to be a necessary phase in order to fully cope with diabetes. Granted, we may never find a true answer to why this happens to us, but processing the information and coming to terms with it helps us deal.
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