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I haven't been eating right at all lately. I know what everyone will say because my mother has told me the same things already. I need to focus, I need to keep my eating habits on track, I need to stay healthy. But right now, I don't need to be told this. I need to find a way myself, on my own, to fix this.

I'm just not very hungry lately. Or if I'm hungry, I have no appetite. I can go hours upon hours without eating or even thinking of eating. And when my stomach finally growls, I peruse the pantry and come up with nothing. I want nothing.

But then there are these times where I just want to eat and eat. I'm not hungry, but pounds of food seem ideal. I want cookies, donuts, Coke, and cake. I just eat and eat, until I just get tired of eating.

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If you weren't aware, Oprah did an entire episode today on diabetes. The silent killer, the demise of America. People are dropping like flies!!! Haven't you heard?

Okay, maybe I should give Ms. Oprah a little credit for putting this out there. It IS an epidemic. But she owes me a correction. Type 2 is an epidemic! Yes, more and more type 1s are popping up. For goodness sake, I know so many people who were diagnosed in the last 5 years...it's kind of insane. But type 1 is not the focus of Oprah's show.

Although she didn't exactly point that out. The show opens with diabetes being this silent killer, the demise of the population. She actually says that people are dropping like flies. Yep. Like flies. Dr. Oz helps her out with some tricky animation that shows insulin rejecting sugar and the pancreas secreting yellow goo and all sorts of lovely images.

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I've always been a quote collector. Each year in high school I wrote down all of the senior quotes in a notebook. I think I occasionally looked back at them. I had a gigantic book of quotes at one point, too, and I'm pretty sure I went through it with a highlighter. (Oh, wait. Looking over my shoulder at my bookcase I see I still have "Words of Wisdom.")

While I've since trashed that notebook, I am still a connoisseur of quotes. I think for the entire seven years we lived in that little town in Missouri, I had a quote (I think by Kenny Rogers) on a post-it note (that interestingly never lost its stickiness) attached to a kitchen cabinet: Don't be afraid to give up the good for the great.

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Dear Oprah,

I used to be a fan. I used to watch your show all the time. Probably every day. That was back when I was in school and was home by the time you were on.

After I got into the real world and started working, I rarely saw your show. And frankly when I did, it was pretty sensationalized. As a member of the media, I pretty much hate sensationalism. I may be in the media minority when it comes to that, but it's a direction that I simply can't stand our industry has gone in.

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I am all for national security. I travel at least twice a year by plane. And I like to know that terrorists, hijackers, and others aren't sitting next to me on that plane considering when to take it down. I like to know that the guy next to me doesn't have a bomb in his shoe...or his underwear.

But I'm also conservative when it comes to my rights and privacy being stripped from me. Call me crazy, call me Texan, but I'm all for concealed carry or even open carry in specific circumstances. On Facebook, I'm a fan of the "Concealed Carry on Campus" group. Too many school shootings could be prevented by licensed, regulated gun owners. The bad guys will always get the guns anyway, so if I know the good guy also has a gun...well I like the odds a whole lot better.

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Tuesday night, I switched my Lantus over to a once-per-day shot instead of the split doses I'd been using previously. I started with 22 units of Lantus at 8pm. I knew I'd see some highs, but I didn't want to risk an unexpected night low after making the first switch.

And I did see some elevation. I ran mostly in the 180-290 range all through Wednesday, which wasn't as high as I was expecting really. I made sure to consider food in the highs, along with the usual post-breakfast spike. And I was confident that a few more units of Lantus might do the trick (or at least get me closer).

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I didn't sleep enough Wednesday night, so by Thursday afternoon my eyelids were heavy and my body was screaming out "Sleep! Sleep!" So a little after five in the afternoon, I decided to take a quick nap. A little power nap to recharge my batteries before diving into study and cleaning mode to prepare for the coming weekend.

My blood sugar was at 222 with only a little active insulin. I'd been high in the early afternoon and hadn't accurately bolused for a late lunch. I decided to leave it alone until after my nap though...giving my body an hour or two to use that remaining insulin and peak out.

I curled up in bed with my cat and a good book...falling asleep within a few minutes. It was a dreamless sleep...too deep to notice the world around me or the world inside me. A limitless fatigue overwhelming every inch of my body and soul. The effects of ineffective sleeping and the recent change in medications.

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After an emotional breakdown Monday night and multiple vent emails to close friends, I'm feeling more prepared to deal with everything that's going on with my health right now. I've done some research, reviewed information that I already knew, and taken some alone time. And I've come up with a plan:

My first step is to get my focus back. I need to make it to class, no matter what. Excuses are unacceptable. My first round of exams starts next week, which I'm not prepared for at all. So this week, I need to get back on track with my schoolwork. Reading, writing, and making it to class.

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I feel extremely out of sorts with myself lately. I feel out of my own body, like I'm a wakling zombie. I ache, I hurt, I have no energy. And it's greatly affecting my moods. I feel so raw, so broken, so frustrated.

I have 61 days left on the Accutane. And I cannot wait. I may even throw a party on my last day. I'm literally going insane at the moment. Just trying to make it 61 more days...without crawling into a hole.

I keep reminding myself that it's working. My last check up showed roughly 70% improvement. And this last dosage increase has me even more improved. I'm going several days to a week without breakouts, getting far fewer when they happen, and not spending as much time hating myself in the mirror. I wish I was completely clear, but I know that I'm just finishing the third month here and I have two more to go so I can't expect perfection quite yet.

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