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The first time I knew “it” was in ninth grade. My class had to lead a chapel session at my private school. I was in charge of reading a passage of scriptures and leading music with some of the other kids. It was the first chapel my class had done. We’d be in front of a hundred of our peers and a dozen of our teachers.

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It seems that I've been a bit MIA over the past week. Honestly, until I sat down today I hadn't even thought about the blog other than reading you guys' encouraging comments over the week. Blogging, diabetes, all this is just far from my mind these days.

My last blog talked about how I was struggling with some severe loneliness and still very much adjusting to life and its changes. Well, I'm still struggling although I've made some lists, set some goals, and got my head back on my shoulders straight. My stress level hasn't quite caught up yet though.

Today, I went through my graduate program's new student orientation. As I listened to professors and other students, I realized that I was actually concerned that I'd taken on too much. I know that I'm a strong student, but so are a lot of those admitted to the program. And if they were saying working and taking 12 hours was tough, well I didn't want to risk it.

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I really tried to work exercise into my evening routine. I really, really did. But my evenings just don’t work for exercise. There’s laundry, dinner, getting kids ready for the next day and a host of other things that just don’t jive with exercise.
 

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This week is my first week at the new job without 12 hour training days and mental overload on the learning end. I'm struggling to find balance between a typical 40 hour work week at a high intensity job and keeping on top of everything else in my life. Like relationships, food choices, diabetes, yoga, the cat, and doing the things I love to do (i.e. reading, watching crime shows, blogging). Life seems too hectic right now.

My normal day starts around 7am. I get ready for work, test my blood sugar for the only confirmed "this is happening" time of day, eat, and make the drive to work. Work varies greatly by day. Sometimes I'm sitting in the courthouse for hours learning cases or working with volunteers. Sometimes I'm in the office picking up on the last training tidbits and beginning the transition from the former Supervisor to me. I never eat lunch at the same time. I never leave work at the same time.

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Today has been quite a day in the diabetes world. My DIABETES series is on the second "E" and I'm not sure I know what to say. I used "exercise" for my first one. This one seems a bit tough. It feels a bit limiting.

E: Emotions is the only word that I really know to use for this post. Today has been an emotional day regarding diabetes. In my usual morning routine, I checked emails and Facebook. In the middle of my check, I came across some devastating news.

It's regarding a family in the CWD community. And for their privacy, I am going to let you find your own way to the story. Unfortunately, diabetes took a horrible toll for this family. In my most frightening way.

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I woke up quite suddenly this morning. Initially, I felt fine. Then it hit me. The way your stomach feels like it's suddenly vanished. The heaviness of every inch of your body. The waves of heat that wash over you.

I forced myself out of bed to check. Since I'm still adjusting to having lows again (thanks to the Metformin), I'm trying not to treat without checking my blood sugar first. The meter confirmed a 59.

I made my way to the kitchen for a drink and swallowed every drop as fast as I could. My hands were shaking. I could barely hold my arm up it felt so heavy. I just wanted to close my eyes more than anything.

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The other day, Michelle posted about censoring her blog to not upset her mother sometimes. I realize I do this too, but not for the same reason. I tend to censor my writing out of superstition. I'm like one of those people who mouth the word cancer. When things are going good for me, I know if I blog about it, things will quickly turn around.

Last week, I chose to not look over my shoulder (or toss salt over it) and jump up and down with glee over my new pump. I was so excited about it, and how much easier it made my diabetes control.

I should know better than to speak up when things are going good. I should have whispered instead. I even knocked wood to fend off the fates, but I guess they heard me over all that banging.   

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It has been one busy and hectic week. Adjusting to the new work schedule has still been rough, but throwing in the holidays made everything ten thousand times more rushed and stressful. I'm glad that it's all over for the time being.

I spent the last five days with my family which was pretty great. Since I moved, I don't get to see them nearly as often. And I had a lot built up that I wanted to talk over with my mom. And a need to see my cousin and brothers and get a million hugs. I am definitely family-oriented.

But now that I'm back in my little apartment, I can feel the weight lifting. I got so much accomplished last week, it doesn't seem real. I bought a new car...my very first that I'll be paying for completely. It's lovely and I'm overjoyed that I'm in a position to do that now. My mom and I prepped for Christmas in a matter of two days. Then we all did Christmas.

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So pretty much after almost every endo appointment -- and all those pesky questions about how my numbers have been -- I think that I should get back to logging my numbers and my food. Well, mostly my food since my numbers are stored in my pump.

But having a food log in conjunction with my pump numbers and the copious information from Dexcom may help me and my doctors do some adjusting. And I'm quite certain it will help me continue to lower my A1C.

Ugh, just the thought of logging is overwhelming. I carry around a three-ring binder with all my "things" packed in it. It's like a mini briefcase. I'm much more likely to pay attention to stuff if I have to rifle through it every now and then. Carrying an actual briefcase left me finding important things shoved in the bottom way after they were needed.

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