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I am so fatigued lately. I've been fighting these highs for a week now. It's definitely taking a toll on my body. I am generally tired, feeling antsy, and getting a little bit irritable. I still really have no clue where they are coming from either.

It started last Saturday after a high carb breakfast. A number that just wouldn't come down. I fought it all day. By Sunday, things were better but bounced again on Monday. And all throughout the week, it seemed to bounce back and forth. Wednesday was great, but Thursday was nasty.

Thanks to all the highs, I ended up running out of insulin on my trip to my new town (for my two job interviews). Before I left, I knew the bottle was low but it should have easily lasted me the two days that I'd be up there and then some. Instead, Thursday afternoon brought about a seemingly empty bottle of Humalog.

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These last few days have been mind boggling. I have no idea what is going on with my blood sugars. Mostly, I'm running high, although there are several lows thrown in there too. Most of them don't have any kind of reasoning to them at all. And I'm torn between being extremely frustrated that my progress is now out the window or being exhausted and just not caring anymore.

Last night, I enjoyed a sub sandwich and a diet Sprite. I started out at 140 but soared to a crazy 319 a few hours later. I know that I bolused fairly close to the carbs in my sandwich, so my only guess is that the Sprite wasn't so diet after all. So I bolused for the 319 expecting to come down in the morning. (By the way, I've eaten many a sub sandwich and never had this problem.)

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Right now, I'm staring at my logbook trying to decide what changes I need to make and what else I want to try with all this. This past week has been a bit rocky so my averages are all over the place. Mostly, they're high. At least higher than I want them to be. So while I'm staring at my book, I'm trying to piece together this last week and figure out what is going on with these numbers.

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I've really been struggling with my numbers lately. The Symlin has complicated things by causing prolonged highs after meals. My Lantus doesn't seem adequate, although last week it was too efficient. There is just no medium ground with the D lately.

I've finally gotten a few meals on Symlin at 30 mcg without the severe nausea that I was experiencing earlier. I'm not quite ready to raise it to 45 mcg though. I'm hoping for Tuesday if tomorrow shows continued improvement. I know that I can get the highs under control once I have the Symlin straightened out.

The waiting is killing me though. Literally. I hate running high. I hate the way I feel when I'm high like this. The fuzz that won't budge. The thirst that can't be quenched. The nausea that comes up suddenly.

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I lost it yesterday.

It was hot and sticky yesterday evening and we had been at a barbecue to welcome our new pastor into town. After having a great time, we headed home to unwind, get some laundry done, and basically get ready for the work week ahead.

When I walked into my house it felt like a sauna. It was terribly hot and stuffy. I turned on the air conditioner to cool things down a bit and gathered up my laundry to do. As I walked through the living room I realized the cool breeze I usually get hit with from the vent was nonexistent. I stuck my hand up in front of the vent and felt a very faint draft but that was it.

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My blood sugars seem to have a mind of their own (more than normal) these past few days. I'm bouncing all over the place, doubting my meter's accuracy, and questioning my own ability to manage this stupid disease. I can't seem to stabilize and insulin doesn't seem to be working the way it needs to. Worst of all, I think it's really wreaking havoc on my body as my fatigue has increased and I'm waking up with sore throats.

Last week I noticed a few bouncing numbers, but nothing out of the ordinary. I'd been running high trying to get my insulin stabilized and figure out my problem areas. I'd also been snacking too much before bedtime for fear of lows since I was going to sleep with numbers like 104 and 111. Those left my morning numbers high setting my days off on the wrong diabetes foot.

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I've been nursing a lot of highs lately. I'm not talking about the mediocre 200s, but full blown 400s and 300s. Both Saturday and today, I've been stuck well above a comfortable range.

Saturday was quite terrible with nausea, headaches, and unquenchable thirst. Even with incredible doses of insulin, I just seemed stuck above 300. I'd eaten a high carb breakfast, but I'd done adequate insulin. And then followed it with even more adequate insulin and then some.

Last night's Mexican dinner seems to have pushed me into the 290 to 350 range. It's a dinner that I've had plenty of times, done the right insulin, and not seen these torrential highs. It just doesn't add up.

Every now and then, I seem to struggle like this. I have days where all I feel comfortable eating is jell-o and popsicles. It's a constant routine of check, inject, drink water. It's getting really old.

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My numbers have been a horrid mess lately. I keep complaining about them, blogging about it, and staring at them on the meter screen. But nothing seems to change.

I'm not talking about the kind of mess that's like "Oh yea I'm waking up high or man those 200s won't come down." I'm talking about easily sliding into the high 200, 300 and even 400 range. I'm talking about my body just being riddled with the after effects of all these highs. I'm talking about a constant battle with torrential numbers.

I just can't seem to find the middle ground with my diabetes lately. Well, to be honest, with my entire life. I still haven't found a job. I haven't made any new best friends. More often than not, I am sitting in my apartment reading or watching TV with the cat. More often than not, I'm distracting my loneliness and my stress with food, inactivity, and general bad habits.

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I've been running high again for the last few days. Part of it is my fault and part of it isn't. The part that is came about because of the part that isn't. I got so frustrated that insulin just didn't seem to be working again that I just stopped caring. Boluses would be late. I forgot my Lantus twice last week (granted I was extra busy and extra stressed).

I just feel like if diabetes doesn't cooperate, why the heck should I keep trying so hard? Sometimes I just want a break of the whole thing. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and say that I'm not going to stress over it. That I refuse to surrender my life to diabetes if it refuses to play fair.

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I don't usually see a lot of symptoms with high blood sugars. There are stages to the highs for me. Anything between goal and 200, I feel fairly normal. Above 200, I start seeing a few symptoms but nothing noticeable. When I hit above 260, I start seeing a lot more. The nausea sometimes sets in. I get headaches. I'll get antsy in the pit of my stomach. And above 400, the nausea almost always leads to throwing up (luckily I've only experienced this a few times in my history of diabetes).

My Accutane dosage was increased last week, which sent my blood sugars into another tailspin. Where I was seeing quite a few lows and lower need for insulin, I'm back to bumping up the boluses and shifting the basal levels of Lantus. It's frustrating. But worse, I believe I'm seeing a different kind of high symptom that I absolutely despise.

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