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Forgiveness is challenging.  Forgiving oneself, is nearly impossible at times. 

With all that's happening in my life at the moment, I've been less than diligent about my diabetes care.  Sure, I've been getting to the gym and for the most part maintaining healthy eating habits, but at the same time I've been drinking more frequently and I've been doing some forgetting. 

There have been days where work has consumed so much of my day that I've gone from 9:00 to 4:00 without a single test.  Or a single thing to eat.  Or enough water. 

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When testing Charlie’s blood sugar in public, there was a time when I would crouch down in a semi-secluded corner of the store and prick his finger to avoid full-on display of bloodshed. Not so much anymore. While using some gift cards at Best Buy the other day, Charlie said he felt low. The diabetes bag folds open quite nicely on the DVD shelving while curious shoppers look on. I had it wedged between Night at the Museum and Star Trek, I believe.

Maybe I should collaborate on the Zagat guide to the top public places to test your child’s blood sugar in.

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When the lows hit last week, I was frustrated. I'm desperately trying to lose weight and get my blood sugars in range without dropping to one extreme or soaring to another. So I lowered my insulin by one unit. The Lantus at least. Humalog stayed the same.

I've been pretty consistent with walking every day or at least every other day. I'm also using the hand weights and just generally trying to stay more active (taking the stairs when possible, not parking super close to the store/office, etc). My food intake has stayed the same where I eat a normal breakfast, a low carb/calorie lunch, and usually a normal dinner. I try to make healthy choices on a regular basis, but I do splip on occasion.

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My endo appointment last Wednesday went a lot different than I expected. Leading up to it, I was just irritated with the whole process. I didn't want to go, to be subjected to the scrutiny. But because of my dad, I held strong and went.

I barely had time to sit down before the endo was calling me from the waiting room. She apparently was leaving early for the day and wanted to rush through my appointment. So she looked over my logbooks while the nurse took my weight, blood pressure, and blood sugar. It actually worked quite well except that the nurse gave me an odd look when I asked to prick my own finger.

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I'm a Scorpio. I get jealous. Quite easily. If my best friend gets closer to another person, the pit of my stomach hardens with jealousy. If a guy I'm dating talks about his ex or another girl, I struggle to hide the jealousy that rises up in me. Even in diabetes, I get jealous.

My Dad, for instance, has a 6.2% A1c. He doesn't count carbs. He watches what he eats, but not on any strict carb or caloric intake. He doesn't vary his insulin by blood sugar or meal. He doesn't work out every day. Yet he has maintained a steady 6% range for quite awhile. I'm happy for him, don't get me wrong. I want him to have the best and easiest control possible. But that doesn't mean that I'm not jealous of his A1c and the little amount of work that goes into his diabetes compared to my fluctuating A1c and the massive amount of work that goes into my own.

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