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I had no idea the firestorm I would create with one of my last blog posts. The readership and number of comments, though, show me that I hit the nail on the head.

We hate diabetes. And that’s OK. I think it’s healthy to say to this disease that I hate it. I do. And I won’t apologize to anyone for feeling this way or for saying how I feel.

I was furious this morning when I read Andy’s post claiming that he loves diabetes. I felt attacked and had a how-dare-you-talk-to-me-like-that attitude. But, I think I understand where he’s coming from now. I think he was just trying to help.

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Following through on my one and only new year's resolution, I am writing about each of the topics bold and underlined in my first post of 2009. 

The title of that post came from something my father has said to me only two times in my life.  "Just where the hell have you been, young lady??"  

The first time, I was hanging out in the woods with friends and smoking a cigarette.  A stupid move that would be repeated several times during my pre-teen and teen years.  And the smoking a cigarette part of the stupid move would be repeated again and again in my late teens and early twenties.  

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Is that why my A1C jumped the way it did? Is that why I’m not more aggressive with my bolusing? Is that why I sometimes look at a 186 and decide not to correct?
 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the perfect eater and that certainly has had an effect on my A1C, but do you remember how utterly shocked I was at my last endo appointment when Dr. R said 7.5? Well, I do! I could barely focus on anything she said after that because I was so dumbfounded. I even thought about asking her to repeat the test because it just couldn’t be true.
 

Since that time I’ve made an effort to be more proactive with my bolusing and to bolus prior to eating instead of after. It’s a little unnerving and out of my new comfort zone. It’s hard to get back into the habit of bolusing first.
 

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It’s been one of those days, the type of day where you just want to get some things off your chest (or mind). I wrote my last blog about television. I said some strong things; I got out some strong feelings. But they were heartfelt at the time, and looking back, I still feel strongly about what I said. TV sucks. It’s not natural. Their are a few things on occasion that are worth watching; sometimes you can catch something on that is educational or good for the soul. TV CAN be used as a good medium, or tool for our health. Sometimes, you see something you connect with or that gets you fired up, but in a good way. Tonight, for example, I watched a documentary on Netflix called, “Mario’s Story.”

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"I know diabetes shouldn't be a connection, but it is," M. said as I was telling her about my lunch with S. today.

"But it really is," I said. I knew what she meant. That we should all have better things to be connected by than health issues. But it is what it is.

"You know, whenever I meet someone who rides horses we have that instant connection, even if there's nothing else there's that," she said.

"Yes, exactly," I said, nodding.

I was standing at the entrance to her cube, where I often stand to chit chat with her, discussing how I met S. and how our lunch went.

"We talked a little about diabetes, but... well, it certainly wasn't the focus of our conversation," I said.

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It was a crazy morning complete with me trying to reschedule a meeting about 850 times because I booked the wrong room yesterday, bagels and fruit to celebrate a co-worker's one-year anniversary and an unexpected low that I didn't feel until after I had treated it. Man how those suck.

Thanks to the mid-morning bagel and wanting to get a project done before lunch, I went to the cafe in the other building about an hour after I usually do. I expected to have the place to myself and I was right for the most part. There was a woman sitting at another table who I have seen before. My company is on the small-ish side, so I may not know everyone, but I've at least seen most people.

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There's been some talk among a few bloggers in the Diabetes OC lately (well, at least a couple of the d-bloggers that I read) about the blog audience: do we prefer to write/read a blog about a person who happens to have diabetes or a blog about diabetes that is written by a person.
 

I think that for some blogs, I'm drawn there because the person has diabetes and frequently writes about that fact. I'm no less inclined to read someone's blog because they stopped writing about diabetes as often.
 

Today I read a d-blogger who wonders if she reads and writes about diabetes too much. Probably, she said, but being seeped in the community helps keep her sane with this relentless disease.
 

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Since I changed my endocrinilogist last year, I've really been happy with my experiences with Dr. K. She's the kind of doctor that means business but doesn't come off as if she's judging you. She tells you what she thinks, but leaves it up to you what to do. So usually, I'm fairly excited (yes, I said excited) about going to see her. Even when I know I've been doing 85% of things wrong.

This appointment didn't feel that way though. I just really didn't want to have to go. I've been making some changes and my averages are down. I didn't want to hear that I'd been doing this and this wrong, even if she does leave off the judgement. I just wasn't willing to expose all those mistakes to the light.

And I feel torn between wishing I would have canceled and being excited about the outcome.

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