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I've been in a mood all day and I think part of the reason is because I've been thinking about writing this post. This is not an easy subject to talk about and I realize that there are people who will vehemently disagree with me and others who will completely identify with what I'm about to say.

 

I've been thinking about writing a post like this for some time, but I don't think I had the nerve to put this out there for the whole internet world to read. But after a fairly intense discussion with sara n. dipity last week about food, food choices and, essentially, will power, I think it's time for me to go ahead and put it out there.

 

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(Continued From Previous Post)
I am dependent on insulin. But I am otherwise an incredibly independent person. I like taking risks - on my own. I enjoy the feeling of having accomplished something by my own will and my own action. I am more outgoing and more confident than I think I would have been if I'd not been diagnosed. A combination of wanting to be able to handle my disease on my own, without pity or judgment AND the experiences I had as a young woman - through the Clara Barton Camp and the ADA's Youth Congress - transformed me from a shy, albeit precocious kid, to a person who stands on her own. A person who keeps her head up and battles mightily - in the face of whatever wrong she sees and whatever challenges she faces. But would I trade my independence for a life without diabetes? I would - though again, who's to tell if something else might have brought me to this same place. (READ MORE)

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Susanne went to Children's Hospital to talk to a family therapist about Charlie. He's been crying a lot in school.

 

We do everything we can to make him feel like a normal boy, but let's be honest – living with diabetes is not normal. There are times when he must eat Jell-O in school rather than the cookies or pretzels he thought he was going to have.

 

So he cries. He rubs his eyes with his fists, runs into the hallway or bathroom and cries. Charlie's teacher has expressed that he's becoming more and more upset when high blood sugars prevent him from eating what he wants to eat. I'm sure the high blood sugar in itself contributes to his inability to control his emotions.

 

Susanne thought the meeting with the therapist went well.

 

Here are some "Don'ts" Susanne came away with:

 

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Considering the many battles that I fight with diabetes on any given day, I'm always pleased when things work out. I love success, in any shape or form. But especially in my diabetes world.

 

So Saturday night while I was visiting my dad, aunt and uncle, we decided to get Chinese food from a local restaurant (the best Chinese in all of Texas, I promise). I was definitely excited, but also silently stressing about how many carbs might be in my meal. Restaurant food is always hard to judge, but especially when it's something like Chinese at a small town joint that doesn't have carb counts available.

 

As I ordered my meal, I began to mentally guess the carbs. I'd splurged with my favorite: Sweet and Sour Chicken. It came with an eggroll and steamed rice. I was starting out my meal at 140, so whatever the carb count I'd need to add an extra unit to buffer the out of range blood sugar.

 

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Some thoughts I came up with today while working out on the beach.

 

The sun hits my face, the presence of the ocean waves is enough to make even the most unaware people stop and look and think. This place feels safe and powerful within me in the deepest parts of my existence. I sit down and face the infiniteness of the sea in front of me. It’s all around. Birds are soaring, some hunting, some settled in the sand protecting themselves from the unforgiving winds that race down the coast. The wind is blowing hard today, enough to knock a person down and remind them of who’s in charge. The air blows past me and through me like it doesn’t even know I’m there, flying over the earth with no purpose - no final destination, no end. It just blows just to blow. It’s beautiful.

 

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My boyfriend shot a video of me the other day changing my pump site. 

 

I wasn't sure why he was doing it at the time, but he sent me an email with the video attached yesterday and a note that said "I thought it would be good for you to see through other eyes what you do every 2-3 days to stay alive, how you have a thing in you that would make most people cry and go for medical attention - like for a splinter.  I thought it would be good for you to know how much I see that you are forced to use overpriced, packaged, monopolized goods and that you're charged dearly to make the best healthy choices.  You're brave, I thought you should see that."  The email made me cry. 

 

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This is hard. How do I say this?

 

After more than five years of blogging and more than 500 blog posts, it just feels like it's time.  What else can I say about Charlie and diabetes that hasn't already been said? How many times can I tell you about a dreadful night of high blood sugars? How many times can I bitch and moan about the unpredictability of this disease? How many times will I attempt to use humor and satire to cope with this shitty situation?

 

I'm a broken record.  It's time for it to stop.

 

I have met lots of great people along the way and have received so much wonderful support from so many of you. Thank you so much for following along with the blog and reading about our ridiculously dysfunctional life with diabetes. I hope we can keep in touch. It's been a blast.

 

Stop! No more tears! You promised!

 

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I really cannot believe that the year is already coming to a close. When I look back, I feel so old...wondering where the time has gone and knowing that I'll never get it back. It seems like just yesterday I was enjoying the feel of the summer months with its easy going and warm nights. Now, 2009 is at its end and we're starting an entirely new decade. So where did 2009 go?

 

In January, I got my wisdom teeth removed and learned that letting go of my diabetes wasn't the end of the world. at least when into the hands of trusted doctors with type 1 themselves. Little did I know that having my wisdom teeth removed and undergoing that sedative would prepare me for what would come in November.

 

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I am still in the allergy battle of the century.  Two ear infections in four weeks.  A cough.  A nose that literally hasn't stopped running for almost a month.   I think I'm finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's been a long, hard road this year. 

 

Diabetes has been, at best, uncooperative.  At worst, a total nightmare.  

 

Between work and personal stress and being sick and unable to get to the gym, I've seen way too many high highs and a few low lows related to aggressive treament of high highs.  I have wished more than once in the past month for a normal, fully functional body.  

 

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It's my Spring Break. Nine days of no school. The last one of my college career.

 

Usually this time of year, my mom and I are on a Mexican beach sipping strawberry daiquiris and dreaming of a permanent vacation from everything. That time spent away is necessary for both of us. She needs the break from work to rejuvenate. And I need the break from all this life to avoid a major breakdown.

 

This year, we're spending our vacation time and effort on the European graduation trip though. So my Spring Break is spent here at home. Don't get me wrong. I'm extremely grateful to both my parents for the Europe trip. I'm ecstatic that I'm spending 10 days touring Rome and seeing the islands of the Mediterranean.

 

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