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Several people have told me lately how A1c results aren't all that important. I agree that A1c's aren't the ONLY lab test or number that diabetics need to be concerned over in their diabetes management. But it's also ingrained into me that A1c's are a very important number in diabetes control.

For about ten years, I went to a doctor who was directly involved in the DCCT trial. I researched the DCCT for a science fair project in 7th grade. I've seen the results. I've heard the stories. A1c results are valued by most endocrinologists in this field. Obviously, there is something to this.

For me, my A1c is one of the telling factors about my control. It's the guiding light at the end of the tunnel. There is an ultimate goal in my mind regarding my diabetes and regarding that number. It's important to me. I'd rather have a lower A1c than risk running at a higher result and increase my chances of diabetic complications.

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I made a note on my calendar to call Dr. S today about the bloodwork I had done last week. His nurse told me it may be a week or two before I got results and that I could call any time to see if they were in.

I got impatient (go figure!) and called yesterday. After going through automated phone Hell, I got to the voice mail of the nurse. Her mailbox said feel free to leave a message, but be aware that it may take me 72 hours to get back to you. *sigh*

So I left a message fully expecting NOT to hear from her any time soon. I considered calling again today, but even though I'm impatient I'm not a pest. Well, maybe sometimes.

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Anxious. Pissed off. Relieved. Lots of things.

This writing subject was a challenge issued by Kerri. It's certainly better than her last challenge. None of us wanted to eat a goat's heart at last year's Blogabetes retreat in Jacksonville. Poor little guy was still alive! But, that's just the way Kerri rolls.

And then there was the trust-building exercise in which you must fall back and trust that your partner will catch you. I don't want to mention any names (Kim Doty), but some people just can't be trusted.

Charlie's next A1c result will bring mixed emotions. I expect it will be his lowest A1c ever. This should make me happy, right?

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Last October, I totally ditched an appointment with my endo.

Why? I didn’t want to face the music. I didn’t want to hear about what I have not done right and I just did not want to see my A1C.

My last A1C was from last July and it was an 8.9%. Not good at all. I was upset about it but in the end I knew it made sense. I was not on top of things.

And this year was no different. I just kept gaining weight, snacking, and my BG was high a lot of the time. So when the time for the appointment came I wrote a post here about wanting to ditch and how I needed to face the music.

I still ditched it.

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Tied.  In a way that I hate to feel tied.

Lashed, tight to the feeling that I must succeed.  Bound to the knowledge that if I don't, the consequences could be (will be) disastrous. 

I am free spirited.  I throw myself into things with unbridled verve.  It's something I like about myself.  It's something that has often served me well.   It has challenges, of course, like the times I fell while rollerskating down the bulkhead.  But it is largely an advantage.  

Having an A1C test, waiting on the result, receiving it - all of these steps are agonizing, and they drain every ounce of bohemian lightheartedness.  It's frustrating. 

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::knock knock::

"Hey! You said you had some wellness numbers you wanted to show me," I said to A on Monday around lunchtime.

"Oh you're so good to remember!" she said.

A had stopped me in the parking lot Thursday afternoon after she returned from our annual conference. She had been to the wellness booth where they drew an unbelievable amount of blood to test cholesterol, glucose, A1C, etc. She couldn't remember exactly the name of the test she wanted to talk to me about but knew it was something like hemoglobin.

"I'll bring the paperwork on Monday and we can discuss it," she said as she got into her car.

I had forgotten, actually, that we were going to talk about it. I'm not sure what triggered the memory; maybe it was because I was walking across the parking lot.

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My endo appointment last Wednesday went a lot different than I expected. Leading up to it, I was just irritated with the whole process. I didn't want to go, to be subjected to the scrutiny. But because of my dad, I held strong and went.

I barely had time to sit down before the endo was calling me from the waiting room. She apparently was leaving early for the day and wanted to rush through my appointment. So she looked over my logbooks while the nurse took my weight, blood pressure, and blood sugar. It actually worked quite well except that the nurse gave me an odd look when I asked to prick my own finger.

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I really don't like going to the doctor. The endocrinologist to be specific. Every time I go, I just seem to leave disappointed. Sometimes it's less disappointment than others. Sometimes I'm just so angry at myself and at this disease. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I get mad at the doctor (because OF COURSE, it's HIS fault I'm diabetic!). But mostly, the doctor just makes me feel alone in what I feel.

Today I had an endo appointment (if you didn't already guess). My last A1c was 6.9, my lowest ever. I was absolutely thrilled at that number, yet the perfectionist in me still wanted lower. And I honestly tried for lower (less in the last month or so though). But life got in the way.

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