My inaugural season coaching Charlie's soccer team - The R2s - came to an end. The soccer part went well. We scored "THIS many" goals. (Holding up sticky orange fingers) The other teams scored "THIS many goals." (Holding up slightly less sticky orange fingers.)

I know soccer. That part comes easy. But managing diabetes when there's 117 various obstacles working against me? Not so much. I often found myself winging it; rolling the dice; holding my breath; crossing my fingers; thanking my lucky stars; speaking in clichés.

I did a lot of research on pumping strategies for excessive activity. The more I read, the more confusing it got.

Reduce basal rates by 50 percent 1 to 2 hours prior to activity. OK, I can do that.

However, watch out for high blood sugars just prior to activity due to adrenaline.

If using insulin to treat high blood sugar, use caution as activity speeds up the effect of insulin.

Reduce basal rates by 50 percent for 6 hours post-activity to avoid delayed reaction of low blood sugars.

Consume 15 grams of carbs for every 30-60 minutes of activity.

But then it gets a bit tricky:

1. In order to find your optimal basal level, multiply your estimated exertion level by your age when you lost your first tooth and divide it by your shoe size. Take that number from a well-shuffled deck of cards, put it face-down on the table and don't show anyone the card.

2. Elderly Armenian women wearing sun hats tend to raise blood sugars during activity. If you anticipate an Armenian spectator on the sidelines during activity, increase basal rates by 65 percent. A word of caution: Be sure she's Armenian. Women from Azerbaijan have the opposite effect on blood glucose.

3. If your child is playing a team with blue shirts, expect high blood sugars. The blue will remind him of the cotton candy he wasn't allowed to eat last weekend at the carnival. Thinking of this will anger him and release a stress hormone. You can only hope he sees a seagull or volcanic activity. Both have a lowering effect.

4. One more thing I almost forgot to mention. If an elderly Armenian woman shows up without a sun hat on her head, well that's just a horse of a different color. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You're up a creek without a paddle. You can take that to the bank. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.