alexwindsormusic

I woke up at six this morning to sweaty sheets, shaking and that feeling in my stomach. I checked my blood sugar: 48. I attempted to swing my legs out of bed, but couldn't find the strength. So I grabbed the emergency kit under my bed and downed the glucose tabs. I think I ended up eating eight or nine of them. I wasn't really counting. I was telling myself, "Eat the sugar. Don't pass out." Not at all concerned about the blood sugar after treating the low.

After the glucose tabs, I slowly made it down the stairs grabbing onto the walls and praying that I wouldn't fall. I grabbed the peanut butter and crackers. I was still shaking and not even sure how I was standing. The thought still raced through my head, "Don't pass out." I realize 48 could be a lot worse, but for me night lows are the worst. It's the panic of waking up alone realizing that you are dropping (and dropping fast). It's the fear of past seizures weighing down on you, the constant knowledge that no one is there to give the glucagon, the out of body experience as if you're watching your life slowly fade.

Occasionally, I have these kinds of lows during the day. Just a few months ago, I had a low like this while I was running errands. All of a sudden, I was shaking horribly. I could barely move. I drove to a fast food place and ordered a soda in the drive thru. The only thing I had in my car was peanut butter crackers, which I ate in a matter of seconds. I kept telling myself those lines over and over again. Mind over matter. I wasn't going to let myself pass out. Luckily, I didn't. But I felt like I was fighting for my life, insisting that I would win this round.

I often feel like every low is another round in an endless boxing match. It's hit or miss. The low can win, leaving you in a world of black or in seizures. Or I can win, demanding my body persist. I have no idea if my method of treating severe lows works, if my mind really can overpower my body. Most of the time, I'm getting some sort of glucose as I'm repeating the mantra. Sometimes that glucose is a lot slower than the drop of my blood sugar though. I choose to think that forcing myself to not pass out is working. Considering that I haven't blacked out from a low in years, I think the evidence is stacked in my favor. I suppose that only time will tell though.