straymuse

My view of diabetes changes with the tides it seems. Sometimes I look at it as a lifestyle that I must adopt to stay healthy. Sometimes I look at it as a challenge in which I can take on and beat. Other times I look at it as a curse.

Right now, I look at my diabetes as a battle. A battle that I don't want to fight. Not now.

The problem is all of the fighting will never stop. We just fight and fight and there is no winning. No matter how much I stay in control or how much exercise I do, I will still have diabetes. My a1c can be the same as someone without diabetes but my battle will continue.

Depressed? Yeah, I am. Diabetes is depressing. Not that I will ever give up or that I would stop taking my medicine. I would never do that. I have too much to live for but I need some time away from the battlefield right now. I need to stop shouting "Bring it on diabetes!" I do not want to fight right now. Just going through the motions and existing sounds good to me.

The tides change all the time and I know my mood will also. My attitude towards this stupid disease will change. I am confident of that.

I do find it strange how comforting depression can be. There is something warm about being curled up by yourself never acknowledging the world or your problems. Something about ignoring the inevitable is appealing in a way. In a very destructive and sabotaging way but it is appealing. When you are where I am, it is.

This is the danger of depression. It wraps its arms around you and holds you until you suffocate. And sometimes we let it.

I need to breathe.