Sometimes I joke that my self-worth is wrapped up in my eyebrows; when they're well groomed, I feel great, but when they need to be tamed, I think I'm ugly. These days, my self-worth is wrapped up in my blood sugar readings. And I'm not sure that's a good thing.

Do you ever do that? The day is going along fine, then you get a reading that you don't "deserve" and the day just falls to pot? It's happening to me more and more lately. Some days, even before I lift my head off the pillow, the day is "ruined" by a high fasting number. My mind starts racing to what I did (or didn't do) to "earn" such a high number. Did I eat something I shouldn't have last night? Did I not exercise enough? It's first thing in the morning and already I'm feeling bad, guilty, like I did something wrong. Even if I hadn't.

And that's the downside of managing diabetes without medicine. At least for me anyway. It's like I take every reading personally. It's not simply good luck that my pre-lunch reading was 80, it's my hard work and exercise that got it there.

Similarly, it's not just a fluke that my fasting was 167; it must be something that I did. Too much sugar alcohols? Not enough carbs? Did I exercise enough yesterday? Was it the fat in the steak I ate giving me a delayed spike? Oh what, oh what did I do to deserve this?

When I was on insulin, it was simply a matter of tweaking my ratios and getting on with it. I never felt like it was my fault if I was high or low. It was the insulin. It was frustrating, but I never took it as personally as I do now. I could blame the medicine for not doing its job. Even with Glyburide, while I was never high anymore on it, I could certainly blame it on the lows.

I think being on diet and exercise only leaves me with only myself to blame when things go awry. Even if I eat correctly and exercise enough, if my blood sugar is high, it's only because my body doesn't work properly any more. And I think it's the realization of that finally seeping in that is getting me down.