So, this week hasn't been the best diabetes-wise. I continue to deal with inexplicable low bloodsugars that last for hours in spite of feeding in the carbs. Had only one this week, which is better, but still really trying.
Worse yet, on Wednesday, after a really beautiful evening with a good friend, a little glass of wine out with another good friend (who happens to also be my boyfriend), some work on the pick up truck that he and I continue to work on, and going to sleep with a bloodsugar of 142 mg/dl, my pump site pulled out. I'm guessing it happened early on in the evening, as Curtis said I tossed and turned for most of the night. When I woke, I realized my pump cord was dangling from the box and my bloodsugar had crested at 549 mg/dl. I felt terrible, sick to my stomach, moody, exhausted, and pretty much unable to move.
Thankfully, Curtis was able to head into work a little late and stayed with me, making sure I was drinking water, suggesting an injection to bring the sugar down instead of pumping a correction in (which was a good suggestion and something I wouldn't have thought of with my brain fully fogged up by a 500 plus), and holding me while I felt miserable. I made it to the office, but not until after noon and I worked until 8:00 at an event we had, so I guess it wasn't a whole day lost to the madness of sleeper-error meets modern technology.
A few things, though. Curtis has expressed that he feels badly for not catching this one. He said he knows that when my bloodsugar isn't right, I often toss and turn. Of course, I'm a fairly active sleeper anyway, so it's not a consistent strictly diabetes-related thing, but he feels he should have known and woken me and maybe we could have caught my sugar before it had gotten so high. I hate the guilt that diabetes places on a person I love. I hated it with my parents when I was younger and with all of my partners since. Really, diabetes is a beast and one that we simply can't keep tame all the time. He's promised me, and himself (I guess), that he'll wake me the next time I'm so restless, but I hate that he even has to consider that any of what happened that night and the resulting morning high was his fault.
Also, my lows and highs lately have included quite a bit of anger and moodiness. I'm not sure if it's a direct result of feeling so poorly physically when things go wrong, or the overload or underload of sugar to areas of my brain that control mood and behavior, or how tired I am of the constant diabetes curve balls, or some combination of all of these, but it's as if I become a completely different person when I'm seriously out of range. Sure, in the past, I've had some aggressiveness, some sadness, some moodiness related to lows, but it's like that times a zillion, and now it's crept in with high bloodsugars too. I wonder if this is normal, if it's something that will just pass (as many things do with this disease), or if I'm doomed to be dealing with the aftermath of my anger related to fluctuation for the rest of my life. One thing's for certain, it has a direct impact on my relationships with others and I really, really would like to get a handle on it.
I suppose again, I'm left with reminding myself to use my body as a tool in this life, to do the best I can with all of the technology and knowledge I'm so fortunate to have at my disposal. I'm reminding myself to take a deep breath. I'm reminding myself to be understanding when someone is hurt or offended by my behavior when I'm high or low ("It's not my fault," is simply not an acceptable response). I'm reminding myself to eat, to exercise, to test and log. I'm reminding myself to do everything I can to avoid the circumstances I don't like.
That's good enough. For. Reals.
