I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to come fully back to the blog quite yet, but there is something heavy on my heart tonight. Something that I know only you guys can understand so I've decided to break the silence and post it here. We'll see if the coming days prove to hold more words for this site or if I'll recede back into the quiet.
As I drove home from work this evening and had my usual phone call with my mom, we got onto the topic of work and money and responsibility. Right now, my situation is that I work part time (24 hours per week) and I planned to attend graduate school for the next two to three years. On that arrangement, my dad generously offered to help pay the rent and supplement my part time income while I finished graduate school.
Many of you know that situation has now changed. I've decided that graduate school is not for me at this point and time in my life. I don't plan to return in the fall or in any upcoming semester. I plan to work.
My mom is a hard worker. She also admires hard workers. I do not mean those that put in a typical work week, but clock out at 5pm when the job is done. I mean that she prides herself on sixty hour work weeks. She was not made to sit at home and be idle. She has often worked multiple jobs, worked long hours, and doesn't spend a lot of time at home.
I'm also a hard worker. I admire hard workers. But my definition of a hard worker is not the same as my mother's. A hard worker, to me, is someone who gets the job done and does it well, who gives their all, and who understands the significance of their work without sacrificing their own lives. I believe that hard workers know the balance of work and life. I believe that keeping your sanity means shutting down at 5pm and reading, watching TV, or hanging with friends. I believe in sleeping in, taking naps, and enjoying the weekend.
So in my conversation tonight with my mom, we began the inevitable discussion about how my dad is offering me money based on a student status and considering school is done, I should probably consider something else. A full time job. Or two part time jobs. Hey, she did it for many years. Why can't I?
As much as I love my mother and admire her, I don't think she knows best for me in this area of my life. I don't think I am made for this type of lifestyle. To work and slave away and work endless hours a day. I am not lazy. I love my job and do it well and do it to the best of my ability plus more. I do extra, I work hard.
But there is also a major piece of me that just can't handle more than what I have on my plate right now. I know that we do what we have to and if I was starving, I would go be a waitress or work at Wal-mart or whatever. Right now though, I am very concerned at my present stress level and my health situation. I'm worried that increasing my hours will send me plummeting.
My last blog indicated that I'm going through an unexpected health condition. It's something that I've chosen to keep private within a close-knit circle, even from my family (that is my decision that I took countless hours to consider. I will tell them if I need them.). There have been a lot of hours spent in doctor's offices these past two weeks. And a lot more hours left of that.
I also still struggle with fatigue. A battle that I've been fighting for the past five years. Whether it's 18 years of diabetes, hormone related, or just some other unknown, undiscovered issue, I need a lot of downtime. I nap a lot. I sleep late. I struggle on a daily basis to handle work, Marvin, and the rest of life with the fatigue that sometimes knocks me to my knees.
I'm not making excuses for those of us with chronic illnesses. I'm not saying that my mother is wrong that hard work can mean 60 hour work weeks. I'm just saying that my body, my personality, my emotional state cannot do this. For now, I cannot imagine more than 24 hours in the office. I can't imagine adding another job...a weekend or evening job...into my schedule. It makes me hyperventilate just thinking about it.
That being said, I understand that working part time doesn't pay all the bills if you want to live comfortably. I also understand my parents can't give me money endlessly if I'm not a student especially after putting me through an entire college career. So I'm not sure how things might change in the coming months, but I just hope that my health can withstand the storm.
I don't want to give up my life because of money. I also don't want to have to give up my life because of my health. So either way, I'm sure it will work out. I'm not sure how at the moment though.
My opinion on what you have said depends very much on what your health problem is and how serious it is. When I first started reading your post, I must confess that I thought you sounded like a spoiled brat - many of us would love to be able to work part-time and have someone else provide the extra income we need to live. Then, when I read about your health concerns, I realized that things may not be as I had originally thought. Perhaps your condition simply doesn't allow you to work longer hours, or perhaps you are suffering from clinical depression which is preventing you from fulfilling your potential. My recommendation is to give these questions some serious thought, maybe discuss the possibilities with your doctor, and at least consider discussing them with your parents. I don't think it's reasonable to withhold important information that may be affecting your ability to support yourself from your parents and yet expect them to continue contributing to your income.
I can understand where you are coming from in a sense. I am fortunate. I am not the sole provider in my family. I was the second income. However, we still depended on my income when I was working. I am now on disability. Have you considered this option? I was diagnosed with Diabetes in 2002. I also have another chronic disease...Multiple Sclerosis. I was diagnosed with MS in 2006. I do agree with the previous comment that you shouldn't keep your illness from your parents. I, of course, don't know your situation, but parents can be a great support system. You'll find that everyone will treat you different concerning your illness, whatever it is. My kids treat me like there's nothing wrong with me and I never need help. However, my mom and aunt treat me like I can't do anything without help. lol...two opposite ends of the line.
I do understand fatigue. I have alot of it with MS. My family don't always understand the kind of fatigue I get. Sometimes it's physical, because of the heat or other factors with the Ms. Other times, it's emotional and mental. Sometimes it helps to know that others understand, but usually they don't unless they've been there. You do sound like you may be depressed to me and completely stressed out. Sometimes sharing the burden with someone (maybe your parents) helps. They may have ideas to help you that you didn't think of. Also, think about the disability. At least, check into it. If you decide to go for it, I would get an attorney. They will even help you fill out the paperwork. They actually help explain what the questions mean. Anyway, know that there are people who understand out there and I wish you the best, no matter what your decision/s.