Diabetes is so much about dependence.  Without insulin, my end result is pretty clear.  I'll die.  And not a pretty, easy death either.  A misery, crap-show of a death that no one wants to experience.  That dependence does so much to a person's psyche after even thirty minutes with the disease, let alone thirty years. 

One effect it has had on me is to make me, in most other ways, very independent, very adaptable, and very much able to fly by the seat of my pants.  Those are all good things, really.  Except when they're not.  

With independence comes a tendency to take on the weight of the world - to want to be a fixer, even in situations where fixing is nearly or totally impossible and it can dampen the ability to listen to good advice when its offered.  With adaptability comes a certain level of impulse that can be, at times, dangerous - an attitude that nothing can stop me that often crosses the line between courage and stupidity.  Finally, the ability to fly by the seat of my pants sometimes turns into an addiction to doing just that; forethought and I have been trying (without much success) to get on good terms since I was a teen.  

All of the above qualities, and their consequential antitheses, can sometimes make relationships with others challenging.  

Although diabetes is mine alone, particularly now in my adulthood, I think I might finally want to leave a window open to let myself lean on others a bit.  It continues to be a challenge for me to take gentle criticisms around the care and attention I pay (or don't pay), my tendency to be a little flighty about almost everything (including diabetes), and the ease with which I accept and move on from a too high or too low bloodsugar when I don't want to deal with actually fixing root problems that are causing them (ie: basal rates). 

I wish it were easier to get away from the defensiveness that I believe is rooted in fierce independence, that has caused issues with everyone from parents to boyfriends in the past.  I wish there were some guidebook I could follow.  But, as with most things in life, it isn't simple and there are no steadfast rules.  

So, I'm going to take these next steps one at a time.  Easing my way into better listening and less positioning when someone offers suggestions or advice or just loving guidance. I'm pretty sure doing so will have a positive impact on body, mind, and spirit.  

If you've got advice on this piece of life with diabetes, I'd love to hear it!