I'm not sure what to say tonight, but I'm in need of some reflection with the people who get this. This blog is going out to this whole diabetes community who live these same things every day, who understand the words before I even type them, and who never judge even when I'm the biggest failure ever.
Lately, I just want to scream. I am so frustrated with my diabetes. I am so desperate for a cure. I've lived almost 18 years with this disease. I've paid my dues and done my time. I just want it to end already.
The way I'm living right now is as if that's true. I do all the necessities to get by, but I know that I could be working harder at this disease. I know that I could be making it to the gym more or cutting out more carbs. But I'm not. I just can't focus on the diabetes.
And why should I have to? I'm 22 years old, a graduate student, a girlfriend, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I work hard, I pay my taxes, I stay up with current events. I'm spending my time wisely and keeping up with life. Why should I have to add a full time diabetes job into the mix? Why should I have to struggle so much with this disease?
I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself. I know that there are a lot worse diseases. I hear about them every day working in hospice. I've seen them in my own family. But at the same time, the reality of this disease is that it takes constant care to actually be anywhere close to "healthy." And even then, it's never quite right.
Over the past few weeks, I've been struggling with a lot of issues. I need to make a decision on where/when to move. I'm trying to balance work and graduate school as well as keeping my sanity with Marvin. I'm still transitioning to being so far from my family and friends in a place where I don't have a lot of support.
I've also been struggling with the guilt and pain of diabetes. I'm constantly fatigued and I worry that I can never be truly rested because of this disease. The irritable feeling I get with every high and the way Marvin keeps asking how high I am if I'm grumpy is killing me. The guilt that I'm tearing up my body, my future, and my relationships is eating away at me.
I'm ready to get out of the rut again though. I started the Metformin last week, although I missed a few days so I had to restart yesterday. I'm ready to see some higher doses with lower blood sugars. I also raised my Lantus which has greatly lowered my morning numbers (although not much effect on my afternoon and evening numbers). And I'm trying to somehow get a workout schedule going.
I've managed a college schedule with this disease and had a decent A1c. But after that ended and I slid into a sedentary lifestyle, my weight and my blood sugars skyrocketed. I have to make them a priority again. Even amongst the work, the classes, the boyfriend, the cat, and the apartment.
I'm not sure what this might look like over the next few weeks, but I'm asking for ideas and support from this community. For those that are there or have been there. For those that are blessed with decent numbers. For anyone that lives this disease and can understand the emotional and physical sides of it all, I'd greatly appreciate encouragement and ideas to get me through these next weeks.
Oh Lindsey, I don't know the right words to say except that I know how you feel. The only thing I can say is don't try to think in "weeks". Think today, this hour, this minute. It's too overwhelming to think of diabetes in the "big picture", so just try to concentrate on today and devoting your energy just to today.
I hope this helps some. ((HUGS))
It almost sounds like you need a nonjudgmental shoulder to cry on, a hug, and assurances that things will get better. The virtual shoulders and hugs are here; unfortunately, nobody can assure you of the future. Does it help to think of your life as a hero saga? Remember that every epic hero has to go through periods of great difficulty and doubt in order to forge him into the person who is capable of slaying the dragon, winning against the unbeatable foe, gaining the hand of the beautiful princess (and the huge fortune to which she is heir), or humanely ruling the kingdom. Right now you are going through one of those trials.
Maybe you would rather frame this in terms of humans having roles as G-d's messengers and proxies on earth? If so, you've already learned that your trials give you the perspective you need to engage and help others -- to "be a Good Steward" as some of my Christian friends put it.
Would it help you to become active in a part of the DOC in which you post your numbers on a regular basis to keep you accountable to your meals, insulin, and self-care checks? That may be another option to consider.
Something that has really helped me through busy times is preparing a calendar for a "typical" week. Day of the week across the top, and all the hours of the day on the left. Get a highlighter and color in the time segments that you will be in class. Another highlighter for work hours. Another one for workout time. Another one for adequate sleep. Another one for time with boyfriend. Another for study time. Another for laundry/cleaning (maybe call home while you're doing that). Put in at least 30 mins at the beginning and end of each day to wind down, pray, watch mindless TV, etc. If it won't all fit, then you will know that something has to go (drop a class...go for a 15 minute walk instead of an hour at the gym, etc.) If a workout or study time gets cut short by low blood sugar, stop at the designated time anyway, move to your next task (yes, even if it is wind down and sleep), and know you'll be back at it soon. I know it sounds simple and old school, but it helped me study for and pass the CPA exam while working full time and maintaining my marriage. Just knowing, for example, that study time started and stopped a a particular time helped my stress level tremendously.
Lindsey,
I've been dealing with the big D for more than 54 years. No, it's not easy! But, you know, nothing worthwhile is ever easy. That is why you are struggling with so many other issues.
For one thing, not everything you are dealing with is really a diabetic issue. Maybe affected by it. Like eating right. If you were not diabetic you'd probably be watching what you eat and keeping track of calories in order to stay slim and beautiful. Well, watching the diabetic diet is not much different. To stay fit and trim, you'd go to the gym--exercise.
Your job, school, relationships, etc. are really more about your wants and needs, not diabetes. Yes, a good diabetes support group is extremely helpful, but you can get that wherever you are and help to develop new friends. Diabetes is a part of you and for you to be your best, you need to take good care of it AND you, just like dressing for each day and putting on makeup. (by the way, I don't wear makeup.) Do whatever it takes to get your numbers down and do it for YOU! You'll feel better and in control. Luckily, you have someone like Marvin who questions your numbers because of your mood. He seems like a keeper. You're in a new place doing some different things. Live your life and don't let diabetes alter your course. --Richard
Boy do I know how you feel! Sometimes you just need to rant to someone who will listen and say "Amen"
Know you aren't alone and that living the dlife does suck sometimes! I hate when people peer over my shoulder or ask "how's your sugar" or "are you okay"...Seriously, I'm 28 years old! Oh and I forgot the "should/can you eat that with diabetes"
One thing that my diabetes nurse always says to me when I'm frustrated is to stop trying to be perfect, if it were that easy we would all be perfect. Apparently we are trying to replicate a very complicated biological occurrence... Oh, and it also makes me feel better to know that other people are frustrated/imperfect too! Haha
As far as encouragement...22 is a difficult time in life, you are trying to find your niche and place in the "real world", feeling the growing pains of becoming a full blown adult, and trying to be who you want to be. You'll make it through and trust me life past 25 is awesome!
Oh, and shots always help to! Wait...did that make me sound too much like a lush?
I know we all want a cure, and hopefully someday we will get there...but at least we have a treatment.
Good luck! And keep us updated on the metformin, I'm thinking of asking my doc to put me on it.
p.s.I've also been following a doc in Boston who is conducting a trial using a BCG (TB vaccine) to treat T1, and things seem promising. Someday we'll get there
The number one piece of advice that I have to give is cut carbs, especially the high glycemic index ones.
Nuking a white potato is a really easy dinner, but it's murder on your numbers. It takes about the same amount of time to nuke a frozen chicken breast, or a bowl of frozen vegetables.
I haven't had a bowl of cereal in years - I switched to FiberOne bars and high-fiber instant oatmeal. Sometimes I'll have a high-fiber cereal with almond milk, but most cereals - as well as 1-2% milk - are a total no-go for me in the morning.
When I notice my BG being consistently out of range during a certain time of day, I fast through that part of the day for a few days, track my BG, and make adjustments to my basal rates as necessary. Then I reintroduce food to make sure my bolus ratios are still good. I know fasting stinks, but it beats the alternative.
I'm a little overweight, and I don't work out as much as I ought to. Also, I drink beer and eat a candy bar sometimes, but my A1c has been between 4.5-5.5 for the last two years, and my Dexcom reports indicate that my BG is between 70 and 120 about 85% of the time.
Lindsey,
As you read this, sense and know that I feel what you are saying. I may seem like I am way past you in years, but my mind takes me back to the best years of my life (college)very quickly. I've been a successful Type 1 diabetic since I was 14 months old. I just turned 41 over the weekend. I have been where you are now many times.
I to went to graduate school and and during those years, as now, lived a life most diabetics believe is not possible. Well let me tell you from the other side of where you are, it is possible.
You mentioned you have people in your life that are important to you like a boyfriend, sister and family. Would you be upset if something happened to one of them? I'm guessing the answer is, yes. Then how do you think they are going to feel if something happens to you as a result of diabetes. You may have never thought of it like this.
Here is the key. You have to take your anger and focus it on the disease. Fight the disease and not yourself. Yes, this means checking yourself, eating better and even exercising. It takes 21 days to form a new habit so have the courage to try.
I am willing to bet you have someone in your life that you think is worth the effort to do this.
Thank you everyone for the support and reminders! It's so great to hear from those of you who have been through the major stressors in life and come out on top! I'm taking bits and pieces of each of your words and getting through these moments one second at at time!