I logged onto Facebook like I typically do at the end of a busy day. I'm not the type that updates her status a thousand times a day or checks her friends pages for new additions. Mostly, I keep Facebook up and running to stay in touch with other PWDs around the globe as well as childhood friends.
When I logged on this time, I began my usual run through of the news feed. Friends posting their status changes...where they ate dinner, who they spent their evening with, and so many personal details of their lives. I saw pictures and groups and the endless list of updates.
As I scrolled, I noticed something different about the page. Our beloved blue candles were back on many of my friends pages. At least those with the D. I saw some names pop up but wasn't sure what I was missing.
Then it hit me. One status update that explained it all. Three lives lost to diabetes in the last week. Then a fourth. And now a fifth.
I am beyond expression of how this feels. I am teary eyed and heart broken. I am angry and upset. A lot of me is fearful and disgruntled. A lot of me is worried and needy.
One life was a baby whose doctors missed the DKA and sent her home. Another was a nine year old who took her own life because of this disease. The others hit much closer to home. One a 16 year old, another 24, and another 27. All too close to my own 22 years.
As I read their stories, I struggled to find my footing again. I struggled to find solace, peace, or comfort in hoping they are in a better place now without this wretched disease weighing down on them. I struggled to breathe.
I am so worn out by this disease. I am so tired of this disease. Every day is a battle with the numbers and the checks and the syringes. Every day, I wonder how much longer I'll have to keep doing this. Today, I wonder how quickly the D will throw me flat on my back and surprise me as I'm sure it did those that lost their life in this battle this week.
I can imagine the Australian woman who went into DKA while her parents were away on vacation. I can imagine how I spend my nights alone without anyone checking to see if I wake up from a night of highs or lows. I can imagine the nine year old struggling with this disease. I can imagine waking each morning and desperately wanting to change this.
Type 1 diabetes is a wretched, horrible, life-threatening, life-taking disease. The hole in my heart today proves that we need a cure. This is not about my fear that those deaths could be me. This is not about the fact that diabetes is tearing through my body as I type this.
This is about the five lives that type 1 diabetes took this week. It's about the thousands of others that we haven't even heard about. It's about the nine year old who didn't feel she could continue with this disease. It's about the parents of the 18 month old baby who unexpectedly lost their child to this cyclone. It's about the young men and women who didn't wake up.
Today, I weep for them. Today, I pray for them. Today, I wish so desperately that we could change this. Today, I just want this all to end.
Lindsey,
Thank you for such a moving, and fitting post about this. My heart hurts, and my soul is angry. To keep in mind that diabetes steals lives, young lives, is hard to do sometimes.
Big hugs to everyone out there touched by diabetes.
wow i dont know what to say,just so sad .if anybody would to talk , ive a good listening ear.donie.
I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in 1994. I hadn't felt well for years, was constantly thirsty and didn't watch my diet. Still when the doctor gave me the diagnosis I was shocked. I vowed immediately to lose weight, watch what I eat, and excercise, excercise, excercise!!! That lasted about 1 day. Then the reality that this is something I will have to deal with the rest of my life set in. I started on oral medication first. I don't even remember what now. It sometimes worked and sometimes didn't. As the years went by the medications changed and increased. All the while my doctor would tell me if I'd just lose weight I could probably get rid of most of the symptoms and medication. Several years ago after a period of denial (I don't want to have diabetes any more so I don't have it any more) and checking my blood glucose to find it higher and higher, 485 was the highest, I finally went on insulin. That was a whole new roller coaster. I am sort of regulated now and I know what I need to do I just don't always do it. Lantus has helped a lot but I HATE giving myself a shot every night and I am up to 12 pills in the morning for various things. My weight keeps getting higher and higher. I huff and puff walking anywhere. I know what to do I just can't seem to do it. My wife is a saint but I know she is getting frustrated with me. I work from home and I am finding it harder and harder to leave here. As I am typing this I realize how stupid this sounds. I am an intellegent person!! Why can't I get my act together????!!!!
If you have made it this far thanks for your patience. I know I am extremely fortunate. We have great health insurance, my wife has a great job that she loves, and she loves me and allows me to do pretty much what I want. I know the answer is to start somewhere, anywhere with little steps everyday and to do something other than sit in front of the computer all day.
Thanks for listening and have a great day!
Hi boodabelly, I am glad to meet you. I can really relate to what you have posted. I just wonder why I do the things I do. I have great intentions to do the right thing and I'm always saying I'll do better tomorrow, but when tomorrow gets here, I'm eating things that I should not. The funny thing is (not really funny) I know I shouldn't be eating it but for the moment, I don't care. I even know the bad things that can happen to me, but then I just go right ahead and eat it. Doesn't say much for me does it. I take lots of meds each day. I was on Beatta at one time but I didn't like giving myself the shots so they stopped that and gave me Januvia pills along with other diabetes meds. I haven't taken my numbers in a long time because I know I ate things that I shouldn't have and I know the numbers will be high, so why bother. I have to get out of that mentality. I know I am killing myself. I have to really get down to business. You wife sounds nice. Try to start, tomorrow. And like you said, step by step. I'm going to go get a schedule from the gym. We pay over 700.00 a year for full use of the gym everyday and I think I went like 3 times last year. Keep in touch. missy
Thanks for your response Missy! The sun is out and I have been out of the house this morning. We both had the flu this week and I hadn't taken any meds for a couple of days and haven't checked blood sugar for weeks. Your response motivated me to check and to my surprise bs was 96! I probably should have a snack! I have been trying to work on my attitude and getting out of the house. I make myself take my wife to work every morning and then come home and am trying to be more productive. Started on the kitchen this week and have made a dent in it. I have been trying to watch what I eat and we are working on portions but still very little exercise. Maybe we will go to the Y for a Valentines date. Not very romantic but we have to start somewhere. My wife is starting to have problems with a knee and a leg and it is time for both of us to lose weight. I encourage you to start taking numbers. Maybe they won't be as bad as you think. And if they are bad you can always improve on them. Try to figure out what sends them up and see what you can do to work around that food. I have learned to avoid potatoes because it sends my numbers through the roof. If I avoid them I find I don't miss them, feel better and my numbers are better. It looks like I have rattled on long enough! Have a great day and stay warm!! Kevin