I’ve had a really hard time with my writing/not writing lately. In December I blogged only once, and so far this month I’ve blogged twice.
This is kind of weird for me because I’m so used to writing so often. It hurts, actually, that I haven’t been doing more of it. It’s not for lack of trying, though. I’ve written countless Post-It notes to myself with blog topics and have every intention of writing when I get home and then I don’t.
And it’s not like I’m forgetting to do it, I just don’t do it. Or I decide that I’d rather do something else. I think about the Post-It note stuck to my calendar and about all the things I would say in the blog and how wonderfully eloquent I would be. And then I just don’t do it.
I’ve been journaling a lot lately. Which, again, is kind of weird. Er, maybe not. I’ve considered my blog my journal for a long time. It’s a place where I can go and sort of let it all out. It’s faster to type, after all. Last night for example, I had an urge to write – with pen and paper! I was sitting at the computer working on some photos and could have very easily written a blog or opened a blank Microsoft Word page and just pounded it out. But the pen and paper were calling me.
Last night as I was journaling I realized why I have been struggling to write lately. I have some very deep, personal issues going on in my life right now. And while I’m usually very open and honest with my readers, I guess these are things that my subconscious thinks I need to deal with offline. It’s hard, though, because there are times when I feel like I still need an online outlet for the things I’m dealing with. i.e., sometimes the journaling just ain’t cuttin’ it.
There are times when I’ve tried to find some fairly non-personal topics to write about – like my photography. But I think I feel like I’m faking it or I’m forcing it. And sometimes there just isn’t anything to write about when it comes to diabetes: had a low in a meeting today, boy that sucked; bolused right for breakfast!; I’m high and can’t figure out why; etc.
I don’t know what this means. I want to write, and I want to write about what’s happening in my life. But it’s hard. It’s too hard to put out there.
thanks for helpful comment
Diabetes - Do you want to keep your toes? The struggle continues.
Do you want to keep your toes?
The question was posed
Rhetorical of course
Caught off guard, shock, confusion
My toes?
The mind is distressed, Shaken
Nausea and uncertainty follow
No this can’t be
Not me
Disbelief. Thoughts racing.
The doctor is wrong.
What a jerk! He doesn’t know anything.
What is his ulterior motive?
He can’t be sure. He’s just trying to scare me to get my attention.
More tests will prove this to be the wrong diagnosis.
Why would he say this to me?
He doesn’t know me.
He doesn’t understand.
I have responsibility.
I am a good person.
I live my life doing everything I have to do.
I don’t fall. I don’t break. I take care of things.
This is a mistake.
Angry. Annoyed. Scared.
As each day passes the message was the same.
Stern warnings from the doctor.
Stop smoking, exercise, eat right, and lose weight.
In a rote manner he would pronounce…No cookies, no candy, no cake, etc, etc. etc.
I was so annoyed and offended by the message, I couldn’t hear it.
I was fully distracted by my dislike for the doctor, and subsequent resentment.
My mind races.
Think!
How did this happen?
Not liking what I was hearing, I wanted a different answer.
Thinking, praying, trying to make sense of it all, I strained to find answers within me.
And then there was an epiphany.
I did this to myself. It’s my fault.
I can’t blame anyone else.
Now I was really pissed off.
I got caught up in life.
I wasn’t taking care of myself
I wasn’t paying attention to my health.
Guilt. Shame.
I had no right blaming the doctor or questioning his ability.
He told me what no other doctor had or took the time to find out.
I screwed up and I have to own this. There’s no one to blame but me.
Apologizing to the doctor in my head.
He doesn’t know what I was thinking, but I do.
And I was wrong.
Finding the solution and correcting the problem
This requires change
No smoking, no candy, no cake.
I’ll tackle one problem at a time.
This is not going to be easy.
Anger. Frustration. Denial.
Stop smoking
I can do this
I will find a way I promised myself
I’m ready.
I want to do this
I will not fail.
Foot doctor
Eye doctor
Blood doctor
Gynecologist
Nutritionist
Diabetes Education
I had them all. Kind, patient, giving assurance.
Most respected and most feared (and sometimes most hated (through no fault of his own)), is the doctor who showed no kindness, no patience, and provided no assurance, but wasn’t afraid to confront me with the facts and hold me accountable.
Exercise
Make time, Push harder
Find the energy, Ignore the pain
Quitting is not an option
You are strong!
Eat less
No bread, No sugar, No pasta
No cake, No candy, No cookies
Hungry, wanting
No pain, No gain
Counting calories, Sugar-free, Weight Watchers
Jello, Splenda, chicken
Spinach, asparagus, salmon
Obsessed with food, Frustrated with weight
Healthy eating and exercise are in focus
Willpower must prevail
Time is passing
The scale is not moving
Forced to exercise. The fun is not there.
Holding back the urge to splurge
Taking one day at a time
Hoping and praying that persistence will pay off
Quarterly check-in’s
Fear and anxiety, the dreaded doctor awaits
Smoking is under control, but
Test results don’t lie
Nowhere to hide
Accountability
Weakness exposed
A1C rises, Blood sugar high
Weight not lost, Results unseen
Wasted time, Wasted effort
Failure, Frustration, Resentment, Disgust
And now we begin again.
Diabetes - Do you want to keep your toes? The struggle continues.
Do you want to keep your toes?
The question was posed
Rhetorical of course
Caught off guard, shock, confusion
My toes?
The mind is distressed, Shaken
Nausea and uncertainty follow
No this can’t be
Not me
Disbelief. Thoughts racing.
The doctor is wrong.
What a jerk! He doesn’t know anything.
What is his ulterior motive?
He can’t be sure. He’s just trying to scare me to get my attention.
More tests will prove this to be the wrong diagnosis.
Why would he say this to me?
He doesn’t know me.
He doesn’t understand.
I have responsibility.
I am a good person.
I live my life doing everything I have to do.
I don’t fall. I don’t break. I take care of things.
This is a mistake.
Angry. Annoyed. Scared.
As each day passes the message was the same.
Stern warnings from the doctor.
Stop smoking, exercise, eat right, and lose weight.
In a rote manner he would pronounce…No cookies, no candy, no cake, etc, etc. etc.
I was so annoyed and offended by the message, I couldn’t hear it.
I was fully distracted by my dislike for the doctor, and subsequent resentment.
My mind races.
Think!
How did this happen?
Not liking what I was hearing, I wanted a different answer.
Thinking, praying, trying to make sense of it all, I strained to find answers within me.
And then there was an epiphany.
I did this to myself. It’s my fault.
I can’t blame anyone else.
Now I was really pissed off.
I got caught up in life.
I wasn’t taking care of myself
I wasn’t paying attention to my health.
Guilt. Shame.
I had no right blaming the doctor or questioning his ability.
He told me what no other doctor had or took the time to find out.
I screwed up and I have to own this. There’s no one to blame but me.
Apologizing to the doctor in my head.
He doesn’t know what I was thinking, but I do.
And I was wrong.
Finding the solution and correcting the problem
This requires change
No smoking, no candy, no cake.
I’ll tackle one problem at a time.
This is not going to be easy.
Anger. Frustration. Denial.
Stop smoking
I can do this
I will find a way I promised myself
I’m ready.
I want to do this
I will not fail.
Foot doctor
Eye doctor
Blood doctor
Gynecologist
Nutritionist
Diabetes Education
I had them all. Kind, patient, giving assurance.
Most respected and most feared (and sometimes most hated (through no fault of his own)), is the doctor who showed no kindness, no patience, and provided no assurance, but wasn’t afraid to confront me with the facts and hold me accountable.
Exercise
Make time, Push harder
Find the energy, Ignore the pain
Quitting is not an option
You are strong!
Eat less
No bread, No sugar, No pasta
No cake, No candy, No cookies
Hungry, wanting
No pain, No gain
Counting calories, Sugar-free, Weight Watchers
Jello, Splenda, chicken
Spinach, asparagus, salmon
Obsessed with food, Frustrated with weight
Healthy eating and exercise are in focus
Willpower must prevail
Time is passing
The scale is not moving
Forced to exercise. The fun is not there.
Holding back the urge to splurge
Taking one day at a time
Hoping and praying that persistence will pay off
Quarterly check-in’s
Fear and anxiety, the dreaded doctor awaits
Smoking is under control, but
Test results don’t lie
Nowhere to hide
Accountability
Weakness exposed
A1C rises, Blood sugar high
Weight not lost, Results unseen
Wasted time, Wasted effort
Failure, Frustration, Resentment, Disgust
And now we begin again.
Diabetes - Do you want to keep your toes?
The struggle continues.
---------------------
Do you want to keep your toes?
The question was posed
Rhetorical of course
Caught off guard, shock, confusion
My toes?
The mind is distressed, Shaken
Nausea and uncertainty follow
No this can’t be
Not me
---------------------
Disbelief. Thoughts racing.
The doctor is wrong.
What a jerk! He doesn’t know anything.
What is his ulterior motive?
He can’t be sure. He’s just trying to scare me to get my attention.
More tests will prove this to be the wrong diagnosis.
---------------------
Why would he say this to me?
He doesn’t know me.
He doesn’t understand.
I have responsibility.
I am a good person.
I live my life doing everything I have to do.
I don’t fall. I don’t break. I take care of things.
This is a mistake.
---------------------
Angry. Annoyed. Scared.
As each day passes the message was the same.
Stern warnings from the doctor.
Stop smoking, exercise, eat right, and lose weight.
In a rote manner he would pronounce…No cookies, no candy, no cake, etc, etc. etc.
I was so annoyed and offended by the message, I couldn’t hear it.
I was fully distracted by my dislike for the doctor, and subsequent resentment.
---------------------
My mind races.
Think!
How did this happen?
Not liking what I was hearing, I wanted a different answer.
Thinking, praying, trying to make sense of it all, I strained to find answers within me.
---------------------
And then there was an epiphany.
I did this to myself. It’s my fault.
I can’t blame anyone else.
Now I was really pissed off.
I got caught up in life.
I wasn’t taking care of myself
I wasn’t paying attention to my health.
---------------------
Guilt. Shame.
I had no right blaming the doctor or questioning his ability.
He told me what no other doctor had or took the time to find out.
I screwed up and I have to own this. There’s no one to blame but me.
Apologizing to the doctor in my head.
He doesn’t know what I was thinking, but I do.
And I was wrong.
---------------------
Finding the solution and correcting the problem
This requires change
No smoking, no candy, no cake.
I’ll tackle one problem at a time.
This is not going to be easy.
Anger. Frustration. Denial.
---------------------
Stop smoking
I can do this
I will find a way I promised myself
I’m ready.
I want to do this
I will not fail.
---------------------
Foot doctor
Eye doctor
Blood doctor
Gynecologist
Nutritionist
Diabetes Education
I had them all. Kind, patient, giving assurance.
Most respected and most feared (and sometimes most hated (through no fault of his own)), is the doctor who showed no kindness, no patience, and provided no assurance, but wasn’t afraid to confront me with the facts and hold me accountable.
---------------------
Exercise
Make time, Push harder
Find the energy, Ignore the pain
Quitting is not an option
You are strong!
---------------------
Eat less
No bread, No sugar, No pasta
No cake, No candy, No cookies
Hungry, wanting
No pain, No gain
---------------------
Counting calories, Sugar-free, Weight Watchers
Jello, Splenda, chicken
Spinach, asparagus, salmon
---------------------
Obsessed with food, Frustrated with weight
Healthy eating and exercise are in focus
Willpower must prevail
---------------------
Time is passing
The scale is not moving
Forced to exercise. The fun is not there.
Holding back the urge to splurge
Taking one day at a time
Hoping and praying that persistence will pay off
---------------------
Quarterly check-in’s
Fear and anxiety, the dreaded doctor awaits
Smoking is under control, but
Test results don’t lie
Nowhere to hide
Accountability
Weakness exposed
---------------------
A1C rises, Blood sugar high
Weight not lost, Results unseen
Wasted time, Wasted effort
Failure, Frustration, Resentment, Disgust
---------------------
And now we begin again.
---------------------
Michelle - Just reading through the blogs and saw that you had a recent diagnosis of bipolar. As someone who has struggled with both diabetes and bipolar II for many years, I just wanted to lend my support to you. Feel free to contact me by e-mail at mice30 at comcast.net if you want to talk.
Ilene Rush (Second Chances)
Michelle,
I couldn't sleep last night thinking that we haven't heard from you in quite awhile. I hope all is OK. If you have crawled into some deep, dark hole, please come to the surface and let the dLife community help. It also helps just to write about it. If things are going well, let us know how you are overcoming. I know you have a lot going on in your life and that the bipolar diagnosis has be hard to accept, but please, for the sake of your family and friends, share with us. I hope and pray that you have just been really busy but something tells me that it is more. Please respond to the dLife community. I have said a few prayers for you.
--Richard Kern