I blogged once last month. Sheesh. That's the least amount I've ever blogged since being with dLife.

Frankly, I'm not sure what the issue was. I know I was a little busy with the holidays, but nothing all that out of the ordinary. Actually, I think it was a mental thing. I sat around many nights thinking of wonderful things to write about, but chose fairly mindless tasks like teaching myself to crochet baby hats. Yes, it was mindless; I found the easiest patterns and watched a video and pretty much memorized what to do. I can now crank out a baby beanie in a matter of hours.

I didn't even force myself to write -- or, heck, even work hard to find photo clients -- while I was off between Christmas and New Year's. I had no photo shoots, no photos to edit, light load at work and even diabetes was being nice to me (my endo said "these numbers look great, so I'm not going to make any changes to your pump settings).

Writing has been such a prominent part of my life for so long that it's hard to imagine why I wouldn't want to do it. But really, I haven't wanted to pick up my camera either. In a way, I felt like I was just existing, just going with the flow and not pushing myself to do more.

Being diagnosed with bipolar has taken a bigger toll on me than I thought it would. Adjusting medicines and doses, acknowledging that the way I feel is not some personality problem, dealing with a range of emotions and finding new ways to cope with my intense irritation has almost been more than I can bear.

Saturday, I cried in the shower. I stood under the water and stared at one spot on the wall for a long time. I cried. And every time I thought I was going to stop, the word "paralyzed" would pop into my head and I'd lose it. And then I laid in bed, wrapped around blankets and pillows and cried and slept. No. 2 looked at me and asked "Do you have pink eye or something?" Which of course only made me feel worse.

This post started out as something completely different in my mind, but I guess right now what it all comes down to is my mental status, which is sort of consuming me lately. Which, I guess is why I couldn't muster the energy to write in the last month.