I should be at the gym right now, but I'm not. Instead, I'm bringing up a low after a torrential afternoon high. And I'm fighting back an endless downpour of tears. Tonight, I am struggling. Tonight, I am broken.

Unfortunately, this struggle isn't so new to me lately. I've been struggling for awhile now. I've been fighting off the heartbreak week after week. Tonight, I just don't seem to have the energy anymore. Life is getting to me. Stress is getting to me. Diabetes is definitely getting to me.

There is no overwhelming grief at the moment. No one thing that makes my heart break into a thousand pieces and my stomach turn the way it currently is. It's just all these small things lately that are adding up and keeping me from feeling the way that I know I should be feeling.

Because I should be incredibly happy right now. I'm starting graduate school in three weeks, which is just absolutely amazing because it means that I'm close to getting my license to be a counselor and that I completed my undergraduate and moved forward. I have a new job that is actually in my career field. I have an amazing boyfriend who I cherish and respect and can't get enough of. Why should I be sobbing my eyes out on a Monday night?

The fact of it all is that life isn't perfect and it never will be. But that doesn't mean that these small things don't add up and break my heart. The fact is that I spent my Christmas Eve over the toilet because of a 409. The fact is that work is tough and stressful and taking a lot of adjustment for both me and the company. The fact is that school is going to add a completely different aspect of stress for me. The fact is that no relationship can or ever will be perfect and each one takes a lot of hard work to make like and love stick around.

I think that the bottom line of it all is that I'm struggling with some major disappointment. Too often, I let my imagination get away with me about how perfect life will be when something happens. When I get a job. When I move. I imagine this perfect reel of a great job, a happy and harmless relationship, a perfect line of blood sugars, a thousand good hair days. Life is always perfect when I picture it.

But when the reality sets in, the disappointment skyrockets because reality can't be perfect. So tonight, I am struggling with the disappointment of moving to a new city and still being mostly alone. The disappointment of not instantly loving my new job and having to fight for what I believe in in that job. The disappointment of being young and impatient when some relationships do better with time and work.

It's not that I don't like the life I have or that I'm depressed or sad even. It's just that I'm still adjusting to how much life has changed and how much it seems to continually change now. Life is going too fast for me to keep up. It's why my blog is behind. It's why I can't make it to the gym tonight. It's why the cat has to beg for food.

I need a breather. I need to cut back my hours and stress at work and adjust to that schedule so that I can then add classes to it at the end of January. I need to find the right Lantus dose while working out two or three times a week. I need to get into the routine of having a relationship, working, and managing the rest of this life and the extra responsibility that diabetes brings.