The summation of my life lately is in one word. Avoidance. I am avoiding everything that I possibly can at the moment. If it's possible to procrastinate on it, put it on the emotional back burner, or just dodge anything at all, I'm doing it.

I just really don't feel like facing everything that is going on in my life right now. Out of fear that it'll overwhelm me. Out of fear that it's worse than I think. Out of the belief that I really just don't need to face anything.

In reality, there is a lot that I should take the time to face. In reality, I need to get my behind in gear and start taking charge of my life. It's time to stop dodging what's around me and start facing the facts.

The truth is that my life is currently on hold. For the past few months, I've been in the midst of a major life transition. I graduated college, began applying for jobs, and moved to an entirely new city. In May, I took one giant breath before I jumped from the comfort of an undergraduate, close to home apartment. Until this moment, I have still been holding that breath.

I've been waiting to find a job. Yet no matter the hundreds of resumes and the dozens of interviews, I still can't seem to find one that will either hire me or that works with my life. I've turned down two jobs. One for scheduling conflicts (it was a temporary holiday position) and the other so I could pursue graduate school. Other than those two, every interview feels like a brand new failure as I go through the motions yet can't get hired.

I've been waiting to move. And now that I have, I'm waiting to find a new life here. Instead of accepting the life that is slowly unfolding, I am holding my breath until I get the life that I dream of where I have plenty of girl friends, a nice job, and I see Marvin on a regular basis.

I've been waiting for my diabetes to stabilize. Even though I know that it won't without me controlling it. And even then, I'm not sure that it will ever be stable. But I keep holding my breath and avoiding logging, changing insulin, or caring what my averages might be.

Mostly, I am just waiting for this life to take off with a schedule so that I feel motivated to stay on track of everything else. Graduate school starts in January which I'm anxiously awaiting. What I desperately need is a job that holds my attention for some hours every day. I need somewhere to be on a regular basis.

I know that I'm capable of doing all these things without waiting for a job or a schedule or whatever else I'm waiting for. I know that I don't have to wait for all this. But I'd much prefer to keep waiting and keep holding my breath until it all falls into place. I'd much rather live in the dream world where diabetes was easy, jobs came more often, and friends weren't so few and far between.

I hope that I don't have to keep waiting much longer. I hope that a job that fits my passion and my schedule comes along. Soon. I hope that I can get a schedule and stop avoiding everything else in my life.