A big part of being unemployed and out of school right now is the incredible amounts of free time that I have. I'm not a "free time" kind of girl. I don't like watching TV all day or sleeping endlessly. I get bored just sitting around. I get bored going out to the same stores and not having any money to buy anything. All that free time adds up a lot of calories too which ruins my blood sugars and my waistline.

I've been here in my new apartment exactly two weeks. I've put out more resumes and applications. I've started the process to volunteer at a local hospice as well as the local JDRF. I've done a lot of reading as well. But overall, I've done a lot of horrible eating.

When I don't have a set schedule and things to wake up for every single day (or at least 5 out of 7), my meals always end up scattered. I sleep late or wake up super early. I skip lunch or eat so late that my dinner is at midnight. And the snacking...the popcorn, the Ritz chips, the cashews, the soda. I get bored and so I eat. I skip a meal and so I offset it with a snack (or three).

I've changed my Lantus around starting today where I take a larger dose at night. It's roughly the same amount of Lantus, just switched. I'm having a lot of morning highs which is probably a combination of poor boluses at dinner and midnight snacks. But my afternoon numbers are generally okay thanks to the correction at breakfast and the peak of Lantus. I'm having a few lows here and there without pattern.

Really, I am just one big diabetes mess. I started logging again which has made me so much more aware of exactly how negatively I'm managing this disease. I say negatively managing because I am "trying" but I'm trying in such horrible ways that it's having no positive outcome at all. I'm overbolusing for fear of highs and underbolusing for fear of lows. I'm skipping Lantus because I had a bad night low.

I know that I could make my own schedule and force myself to keep some sort of pattern in my eating. I could wake up every morning at 9am and start my boring day. I could go to sleep at midnight every night. I could manage in between. I could lock the snacks away or just stop buying so many. I could cook a balanced meal.

I know all these things. I know because I've done them all at some point or another. I know that my numbers might straighten out with that schedule. I know that I'd find something to entertain me between 9am and midnight. But I just don't want to.

I'm just waiting. Waiting for the job to come through. Waiting to find some more friends up here. Waiting to volunteer. Waiting to have things to truly look forward to.

I started running and working out at home last week. I have a girl's group that I'm going to tonight. My volunteer program starts next week. And I'm (once again) hopeful that a job might turn up sometime soon. Yet I'm still waiting for it all to change and for the diabetes to magically fall into line.

Truthfully, I'm still waiting for it to start managing itself.