I really do. 

I smoke cigarettes.  It's been about a year since I started up again, after quitting for almost three years.  I'm rather ashamed of myself.  For the most part, I take good care of my body.  I test, I dose, I watch what I eat, I exercise.  

It is outright ridiculous that I'd make the choice to smoke.  But it's a choice I've made, that's developed into a hard habit to break.

The first time I quit, I was not a full-time smoker.  I had maybe four or five a day, and sometimes I didn't even smoke the full cigarette, disposing of half-butts with regularity.    Since restarting, I'm finding myself smoking close to a pack a day.  Frustrating, how it has crept up little by little and made me feel weak and rather stupid.  

The last year has been stressful, emotional, and filled with transition.  Those are my excuses for starting back up again.  They're the excuses that I'm letting go of - as of Monday.  

I took some time to add up the cost of my smoking...  Ugh.  At six packs a week and an average of $8.50 per pack we're talking  $51.00 per week, time four weeks, $200.00 per month - easy. 

Beyond that, smoking is a stupid habit.  That's the truth.  I know it does nothing good for me.  Even the stress-relief I once got from it has dwindled quite a bit.  

When I quit in the past, I did it cold turkey.  I couldn't wear nicotine patches, because of my adhesive allergy and I couldn't chew nicotine gum because of issues with my gums.  So I did it on my own, and at the same time, lost close to eighty pounds.  I was exercising hard, eating well, and really on top of things.  

On Monday morning, I'm headed to my doctor's office.  

Given the increased stress levels in my life and the fact that I'm smoking so much, I don't think cold turkey is going to cut it.  Because I can't wear a patch or chew the gum, I'm hoping that the doctor will give me another tool.  In the form of a drug called Chantix.  It's a drug that's worked for other smokers I know who've quit, and although some of the side effects seem unappealing (very vivid dreams - (for me, an already vivid dreamer) and loss of appetite) I think it's the right move to make right now.  

So, I've confessed my most ridiculous habit.  And I'm going to do my best to break it.  

Wish me luck!