This might be a little tough for me to write because, frankly, it was a little tough for me to hear. Especially coming from such a tough guy.
Within the last month or so I’ve seen some changes in The Mr. that concerned me. I’ve known him for nearly 20 years and he’s a very easy going guy. I mean he’s the kind of guy who might get a little angry about something, tell me about it and then be back to a happy mood pretty quickly while I’m still stewing over whatever it was that didn’t even happen to me.
So the other day after several difficult days of bickering and wondering why The Mr. was just not himself, I sat down, looked at him and said “So are you going to tell me what’s going on with you or what?”
I was angry about what was going on in our house, about how he was acting, about the atmosphere and the chemistry within our family. That anger showed when I asked that question because, regrettably, I was assuming the worst. I thought The Mr. was angry at *me* and that he was distancing himself.
“Well, don’t you think we should wait to talk about this until the kids go to bed,” he asked.
“No, I really want to hear what you have to say right now.” There was no way I was waiting any longer.
I was hit with something I didn’t expect: The Mr. found himself angry all the time, annoyed for no reason and essentially unable to cope with a lot of the emotions that have come up. All as a result of the gastric bypass surgery he had in February. He has lost so much weight so quickly that he has really become a different person and he’s struggling with that. He looks in the mirror, he says, and doesn’t recognize himself. He doesn’t like the attention that is being paid to him regarding his weight loss.
I cried. We talked. We aired some things out. I encouraged him to see a counselor and even told him that perhaps temporarily taking a drug like an anti-depressant would help him to focus a little more while he’s dealing with these emotions. I know he’s not the only one to go through this. And I know there is help and support out there for people in this situation. As a person who has long fixed his own problems, I know seeking outside help is difficult for him.
In the meantime, I did some research on gastric bypass and emotions. I was shocked to find out the divorce rate after bypass is something like 50%! I’m being supportive and lenient (sort of). At least now I know how he feels when I’m the one who is angry and aggravated all the time for no good reason.
Michelle,
My heart really does go out to you and "The Mr." Having had gastric bypass in Feb. 09, I can certainly say that there will be a whole lot of different emotions and the feeling of being overwhelmed. I can tell you that the suggestion you've made to him are on target with what is discussed by the nurses in our bi-weekly bariatric meetings. He definitely needs to speak with someone about the emotions he feels.
For a long time, food was our comfort and sadly our best friend. The friend that didn't talk back, disagree with you or judge you. But, unfortunately, that is so un-true. It talked back, disagreed and judged us in the excessive amounts of weight that we gained and all the possible health problems that either cropped up on us or putting us at risk of getting. The weight hid us inside and out. We hid behind it in many was including using it as defense mechanism. Now that it's gone; we sometimes tend to feel vunerable and we haven't learned how to handle that feeling. It's like a war between the body and the mind. Your mind want the changes but, your body is like. "what have you done to me? where is my safety net?" so the battle has begun as to which will take control.
I would also suggest that you talk with him as gentle as possible and remind him of why he made this decision to improve himself. Be it for himself, severe health problems and family. Talk with him about how he felt physically and emotionaly before having the surgery versus what he's feeling now. Re-assure him that he can beat this and not let his old feelings and habits beat him. Have him tell himself that he enjoys walking up a flight of stairs or down a corridor without getting winded. Encourage him in any way you possibly can to accept the "new" him. If these emotions are left untreated in any way, it can lead to old habits and failures and I know personally that that wss not the purpose of making this decision.
I went into surgery weighing 345 lbs. and a year and 6 mos. later, I am currently 188 lbs. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
Good luck to you both and God bless. This too shall pass. Acceptance and love for one's self goes hand in hand.
The team that did his surgery should have some good advice for him regarding this.
It reminds me of the theory that people who compulsively overeat are actually self-medicating an underlying psychological condition with food. Stop the food, and the underlying condition flares up. Just a theory.
I'm glad he was able to open up to you - that should be somewhat therapeutic by itself.
-------------Steve Parker, M.D.