I'm not sure what is going on with my blood sugars lately. They are typically staying quite nice (except on the rare occasion that I decide to upset them). The problem is that nice for me means a lot of lows. And the lows lately are kicking my butt.

I'm seeing trends in the low 100s that stay there for hours. My morning numbers are averaging in that same range. My peaks are minimal. The meter screen shines back at me with pride.

But I'm not happy. Because in between the 100s and the decent averages is the constant hours of lows or the ravaging night lows that bring me to my knees. I am continually reminded that I am merely human and merely managing this disease as best I can. I haven't forgotten how much of a hold diabetes has on everything. It's actually more on my mind than it has been in a long while.

Lately I just feel like I'm living check to check. I go to bed with a check. I wake up with a check. I check when I'm hungry. I check when I'm shakey. I check for no reason at all. But it isn't routine. It isn't like I'm just sticking to the pattern.
I'm doing it because I have to.

Because I am constantly waiting for the drop, for the low. I am constantly waiting to need to treat. I am constantly wondering when it's going to hit. The fear, the concern, the worry.

I check out at 147. An hour later I feel the need to check again. What if? I can't tell anymore. When I'm low, I feel high. When I'm normal, I feel low. When I'm high, I feel nothing.

So each check is just getting me through the day. It's just getting me to my next meal. Or to my next destination. It's the way I'm surviving. It's the only way I'm in control.

There is something so powerful about being able to manage this disease with the knowledge of my numbers. I know that and am grateful. But I am also so angry about it.
I am so angry that I can't be okay with a 147, that I live in fear that it will drop without me knowing. I am so angry that I feel the need to check that often in order to just survive. I am so angry that I don't check more often. I am just so angry tonight.

But behind it all, I'm actually okay. I understand the emotion, I understand that I go through moments of hate for this disease. I know it's tough, time consuming, and sometimes just awful. Even when it's good, it can be awful. And that is what I hate.

Once this blip is over and I straighten my insulin out again, the anger will just be a thing of the past. A way to get through. A process to come out alive.
Until then, I'm still just living check to check, moment to moment, just bracing myself for what comes next.