Not many people know that I've been seeing a therapist off and on since my sophomore year of college. A few of my close friends do, but I've never really expanded on why I see one or what goes on. It's something that I'm not really opposed to discuss, it just usually doesn't receive feedback the way that I want it to. So I keep it to myself unless it comes up.
Back in 2008, I started seeing a counselor to help me through some family issues that I was having. My health was the furthest topic from my mind. But when I look back, a major portion of those two things were combined. I've stopped therapy twice. Once because I didn't like the therapist and the second time because I just wasn't feeling the right kind of energy.
I've been back in it this semester though with the second counselor that I worked with before. And this semester seems to be the most illuminating as far as what actually is going on in my life. My health, my relationships, my fears, my personality.
I came back in therapy after my cortisol test issues earlier this year. The stress had really gotten to me. I just couldn't seem to cope beyond a certain point. I needed another outlet. A judgement-free zone. Just a sounding board.
But health turns into a much bigger issue when you are spending an hour a week discussing your life. It turns into relationship aspects, blatant fears, subconscious fears that you never really knew you had, and all sorts of other eye opening moments.
This semester, I've truly delved into me. Into the why behind my actions. Into the present moment that's affecting me and an analysis of the past that's hurt me. With all that information, I'm beginning to process how to change the negativity and how to progress the positive aspects.
One thing that I'm learning lately is my issue with power. The kind of power that comes with independence and taking care of oneself. It's been a thought in the back of my mind for awhile now...how does control affect me? What do my reactions and my traits have to do with power and control?
And it's become clear that I definitely do have a problem with letting my own control be surrendered. It isn't a matter of someone else taking over or pushing me around or anything negative. I'm talking about power in the general sense of relationships...a give and take, a letting in, an intimacy that only comes from breaking down walls.
All that is insanely difficult for me. So much of my life seems so out of control for me. My diabetes, not something I asked for at age four. My PCOS and endometriosis, certainly nothing that I brought upon myself. Even past relationships with lovers and family. These things have threatened my sense of control in major ways. I believe, in much bigger ways than most "healthy" people deal with lack of life control.
Certainly, I understand that life is uncontrollable. It's not like I'm looking to know every step of the way how life will be played out. It's just that the majority of my life is so incredibly uncontrollable at times...like Monday's blood sugar fiasco. A major part of me wants to control as much as possible.
Which leads to its daily interaction with the rest of my life. Mainly with my relationships, since they are currently taking the toll of all this. It comes out in a lack of open communication at times, a fear of becoming needy or dependent, even a denial of my own emotions to the outside (and sometimes inside) world.
I'm only just now coming to terms that this is a major issue for me, so I haven't quite figured out how to address it in my own life. It isn't as if I can just turn off that control portion of me. It will take time and patience to work on it. And it'll take definite patience from whomever I'm involved in.
Marvin has really been the main factor in discovering this part of me. He pushes me. He expects me to be a way that I've never needed to be before (I've never been with someone who made it obvious that he desperately wanted me to communicate and get past whatever I'm dealing with). Marvin isn't perfect, even though he's helped get me to this point. The way that he reacts sometimes pushes me backwards. He doesn't always take the time to understand where I'm coming from...a big portion of that being I haven't been able to discuss this with him.
I am trying and I've made great progress. I'm insanely proud of some of the steps that I've taken lately. I'm not doing this for anyone but me. There is motivation outside of me (ahem..Marvin)...but mostly I just want to feel less blocked when life takes me somewhere that I didn't expect to go.
I'm tired of feeling locked inside myself, like I can't let go of my own strength long enough to understand that someone else can and will be there when I stumble. This isn't about losing who I am or becoming a dependent being. It's about allowing my life to foster intimacy by being secure in the fact that I don't ALWAYS have to be in control (of my emotions, of my driving, of my overall life).
I'm curious to see if anyone else notices this aspect of themselves as well. I know OCD can become a factor in diabetics, but can that OCD turn into obsession over power? Or does it?
Hi Lindsey,
I can relate to everything which you have written. Sometimes we need to let go and realize that there are a million doors which we may never have the opportunity to open. However, there are still anoher million doors which we do have the opportunity to open and this is "Oh". You have chosen to open a set of doors. Keep on keeping on. I pray that you are blessed with knowledge, which can be tempered with understanding and guided by a high power of wisdom. As always have a great day.
Dan
I'm so glad someone else relates! Words of wisdom, as always. Thanks, Dan!
In my experience, I have discovered that people generally have a valid reason for thinking and feeling the way they do, whether it be the need for control over one's life, or a certain way of believing, or a certain way of behaving. I believe that the way people "are" is heavily influenced by what people have learned to be true, to be good, to be cautious of, or what have you.
I get the feeling you think that letting down your walls is something you must do because if you don't you will somehow be wrong about something. Feeling like you are in control serves some purpose in your life, and keeping the walls up sounds like you feel you need to keep yourself protected.
I can't tell you what to do, nor would I presume to know. But, in my own life I have found that some people cause me to react some ways, other people in other ways. Some people cause me to cringe, but for a select few others it seems relatively effortless to open up and share who I am.
It works for me. But what doesn't work for me is forcing myself to open up or share when it doesn't feel quite right. I mean, no one is perfect and I expect mistakes to be made in any relationship (personal or professional or otherwise) by both me and others, but I trust myself and just "know" when it's "safe" to see if I can open up and share a little bit more (or less!) with another. No rush. Just time, interaction with others, and my personal decision to do so.
I definitely see what you're saying. Our initial reactions are sometimes the ones that protect us from the worst situations! For some though (like myself), that initial reaction comes by habit. I don't let my walls down because I don't want to give up the power and control of my life. There are times where that has saved me and it's been protective, but right now it's hindering my relationships by not allowing me to express how I feel and what I want/need. I suppose I've hit the stage where habit isn't what I want anymore. I want to open myself up to Marvin or whomever else might come my way. I want to be someone that I'm currently not...through habit.
I think as a PWD we have to be somehow a control freak...we have to do the same thing everyday 24/7, try eat the same meals, take our meds everyday at the same time...completely borderline OCD behaviour...ok my point here is that this behaviour then spills into other aspects of our life, for me i try 'control' or 'manage' my relationships, before i can let someone in it takes time because change of any kind is hard to do when we am so used to doing the same thing over and over....i dont know if am making any sense...but what i know for sure is that i can only control the contrallables, the rest i just let go and hope for the best...thats living, thats what life is all about...so am glad that you are discovering yourself coz it means that you are evolving and becoming a better person...and always trust in yourself, and in the goodness of others...