I thought seriously about postponing my endo appointment scheduled for this morning. I hadn’t seen the doc since August, when my A1C was 7.6. I didn’t think I was doing any better than I had been doing in August. In fact, I was pretty sure I was doing worse.
Thanks to some pretty crappy eating habits, some stress and dealing with worn out pump sites, I suspected my A1C was going to be ridiculously high. I even imagined myself telling the nurse to not tell me the number, to just write it down and let me look at it when I was ready. And then I realized that was stupid because how is the doc going to help me if we don’t talk specifically about what my A1C is.
I thought over the weekend and even on the way to the appointment about what it is that I seem to not like about this doctor’s office. I think there’s some “bonding” issues here. I just haven’t connected with the doctors and staff the way I did with Dr. C’s office. I feel like I’m being taken care of, but I also feel like I’m just another patient. I’m pretty sure that if I had another option available that I would take it, but I don’t so I’m happy where I am.
But that feeling of not connecting contributed to me feeling so awful about going in this morning. I just felt like I was going to get raked over the coals for being overweight, for having a high A1C, for having high cholesterol. I think I feel judged by them. And I think it makes it worse assuming they don’t have the first clue about what it’s like to live with diabetes. (OK this post turned into something I didn’t intend!)
I was pleasantly surprised to have a nice appointment, though. It helped that I relaxed quite a bit when K said my A1C was 7.1. I didn’t get defensive or clam up and didn’t make excuses for my eating habits, just laid it all out there: “My problem isn’t hunger,” I told K. “I just want to eat all the time.”
We talked about the usual stuff, and decided to add niacin to my pharmacy medicine cabinet to help with my cholesterol, and adjusted basal rates and insulin:carb ratio. I’m saddened by the amount of insulin I seem to be taking lately (especially how my insulin:carb ratio continues to creep up) but at least I know there’s a fix for it.
I have felt like that many times. I am right there now. We just have to keep trying to get those numbers down. Meal by meal.
In past blogs you talked about your morning walk for exercise. Are you still doing that?
Because Michelle, if you are getting moderate exercise like walking, then it is truly possible to have a few extra pounds and be healthier than someone with a thin frame who does not exercise. Furthermore, you already know that exercise helps to improve your daily mood, and can even help you to get better rest when you sleep.
But I get the feeling there is something at a deeper level which has been the mystery of everyone in the world of people who want to eat all the time -- maybe the stress of your husband's recent surgery? My mother was and still is one of those such people, eating a salad in front of people but secretly binging at midnight when my dad is asleep. I can't explain it, because even though I have the same tendencies, I don't care who is watching, I'll eat what I want, when I want, right in front of them. I think the difference between me and my mother is that I don't feel guilty about it. Yet, I still do have that tendency to think, "Oh well, I'm already overweight, so it doesn't really matter if I have an extra portion of food anymore as far as my outward appearance."
But I also have chronic major depression. And in a previous comment I have made, I stated that I am on two primary antidepressants prescribed by a psychiatrist, plus a third one to help me sleep better.
Now at first when I began taking the antidepressants again, it was a big roller-coaster to get the prescription and dosage correct. Now, seven months later, I feel stabilized and in my case, I don't really have those cravings to just eat all I can in one sitting. Well, once in a while I do, and I will, but not quite like before, because I am re-learning what it is to live life with a better brain chemistry (of course it's still not perfect, but it IS better). And part of that is because after much trial and error, the psychiatrist and I have found a regimen that works for me.
Now interestingly, even back when I was eating all the time, I was still able to keep my blood sugar under control, so except for my weight, my HbA1c levels were always good. I think that good blood sugar control is VERY helpful in lessening the symptoms of depression -- or anything for that matter.
Nothing makes "everything" all better, but some things make some things better than they were. I just wish you would stop worrying about your outward appearance, and we all know such a thing is the unspoken motivator under the guise of wanting "better health", because look -- your HbA1c was pretty good at your last visit.
There is too much about your life I know nothing about, so I am really just sharing my own experiences in this commentary. You are clearly capable of looking within yourself to search for both the source of the problem and the solution -- and in the meantime, lose the guilt about eating. It's not helping. But here's something that might help...
When your husband is recovered from his surgery, and we all know you are helping him with that, as payment in return make him massage your scalp and back and shoulders at least four times a week at bedtime for the next three months, and don't let him fall asleep until he does it! :-)