I haven't been eating right at all lately. I know what everyone will say because my mother has told me the same things already. I need to focus, I need to keep my eating habits on track, I need to stay healthy. But right now, I don't need to be told this. I need to find a way myself, on my own, to fix this.
I'm just not very hungry lately. Or if I'm hungry, I have no appetite. I can go hours upon hours without eating or even thinking of eating. And when my stomach finally growls, I peruse the pantry and come up with nothing. I want nothing.
But then there are these times where I just want to eat and eat. I'm not hungry, but pounds of food seem ideal. I want cookies, donuts, Coke, and cake. I just eat and eat, until I just get tired of eating.
It's stress. I've known it for awhile. When I started buying donuts after bad news when I never buy donuts (like once a year celebration donuts maybe), I knew it was trouble. When my grocery cart looked more boxey than green and leafy, I knew I wasn't doing myself any favors. And when I started craving vegetables, I knew I was really in trouble.
All the stress of everything is kicking my butt. I'm binge eating, I'm not eating all day, I'm going back and forth from one extreme to the other. And I just don't want to face it yet. I don't want to admit that I can't handle it, that I need help.
This whole Accutane thing is really stressing me out. The side effects are making life hard, extremely hard. I don't sleep. I'm constantly fatigued. My skin burns and hurts. I haven't run regularly in forever because I just can't find the energy. Headaches come and go. It's all a mess. I'm ready to be done. In 40ish days.
I'm struggling with school. My first exam didn't go well. I had a paper due. I'm not making it to my classes often enough, if at all. I haven't made any progress on testing out of my science credit. I'm generally just burnt out on it all.
My moods are better, thanks to the SAMe, but I'm still struggling with my relationships. I feel like I'm always on edge when I'm around Marvin, just waiting for the next shoe to drop. Other friends don't seem to be understanding right now. Or I feel like I'm complaining too much and too much is going on for them to keep up. I mostly feel alone.
So many other things are going on too. A family member passed away. I'm having trouble scheduling doctor's appointments around my class schedule. And I'm planning my graduation vacation, which isn't negative but time consuming and frustrating.
No wonder that my eating habits have taken a turn for the worst. Luckily, my blood sugars aren't seeming too affected by all the cookies and donuts. I'm trying to slowly turn a new leaf over. I'm trying to have one good meal a day, although that hasn't really worked out that well. I've stocked up on easy, healthier meals although it's still not what I'm heading for.
I know that won't solve the underlying problem though. I know that I need to work on the stress first. I just honestly don't want to or know how anymore. I'm exhausted, frustrated, and in need of a week at home with family and friends. For now, I just want to spend my weekend with my friends. Maybe a few cookies too.
Hi Lindsey,
Let's try something different. When you get a eating fit ..... Find the most beautiful glass and fill it with club soda, light a candle and add soft music, take our a bag of mini carrots and celery and take the time to chew them one at a time. Go to the next , than the next..... It will come to you as to why am I eating. Comfort does not come from food. Ask for serenity to deal with the things you cannot change and courage to change the things you can and I know that you can do it. As always have a great day.
Dan
Did you see that article on AOL recently about a study that seems to show a link between children who crave sweets and depression later in life? I understood that article to say that people who are prone to depression tend to want more of whatever causes the brain to sense "reward", like sweets. From that article I can extrapole a possible conclusion why people sometimes eat "comfort food". It got me thinking about my own eating preferences, and how I once felt in those atrociously stressful days at the university.
I too found myself buying those little donuts six to a package from the convenience store, along with candy bars and potato chips, all by the dozen. I told my doctor, and I demanded to know why I couldn't do that so long as I was able to keep my blood sugar under good control.
She said, "Okay, but a year from now when you weigh 300 pounds, don't say I didn't warn you."
I was eating "junk food" because it tasted good and stimulated the reward centers in my brain. But looking back, it wasn't necessarily that anything was wrong with me, I was just under so much stress (primarily burn-out from all work and no play) that I did not know how to cope with it, except by eating junk food.
It was (medically) necessary in my case to take one semester off, doing nothing but a part time "summer job" that lasted much longer than the summer. But I realized I did not want that summer job for the rest of my life, so I went back to college to pick up where I left off -- before I forgot it all! :-)
In my mind it was mostly that I just plain didn't "want" to attend college any longer because I was so burnt out -- I had not yet reaped any career rewards from having gone through schooling since age four, I felt I had been worked to death academically. And right towards the end was the hardest, because the sense of completion (before I was truly completed with college) was pulling hard on me to go take a break and have fun and forget all about my education.
I still completed it, though, and I still look back at those years as both the best and worst years of my life.
You don't have much farther to the finish line. If you stop now, you might never get back up. If you stuck it out this far, you can stick it out the rest of the way. Go ahead and keep hitting those donuts pretty hard -- you can always lose the weight after you graduate. (great big wink!)
Aww thanks so much for that! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who's done that! It is DEFINITELY stress related...and you're right that I'm too close to quit so I just need to get through the next 2 months even if it means a few donuts here and there!
Now you are going to think I am crazy....but hear me out. I have been doing a lot of the same thing you are with the binge eating so I started writing down the days when I went crazy on food, come to find out it was usually about two to three days before my time of the month. I also suffer with severe manic or Bi-Polar depression and man do I go off the deep end, I know it sounds to simple but I have found that st Johns wart from the dollar store is a great help for about 3 days before and during this time.
On the tired of eating I really think you are tired of the diabetes, when you have to eat you are reminded you have diabetes. the only thing I can tell you is to try a different cereal bar for snacks or challenge yourself to find a recipe on line and make it for dinner maybe the thrill of preparing a new dish will overcome the anger that goes with having to do something when you don't want to. Definitely find a support group or even a therapist to find out what is behind all these things it is so much easier then letting diabetes win. Good luck hon I will be praying for you.... April
Good to know I'm not the only one, who cheats once in a while, with donuts etc., then I feel guilty for it. I to am going through much stress in my life, a 35 yr., marriage going down the tubes. Valentines day was really hard, especially when my daughter bought me chocolates!
How come I can't seem to control myself?????? I see chocolate... and I MUST eat it cuz, why not?, and the next thing I know my #s hitting 300 it's really gettin outta hand don't want to know about my A1c :(
I hate eating. I hate thinking about food. When I do eat all I want is something easy that doesn't take any time eat or fix. Thanks for saying this.
St. John's Wort has been associated with kidney damage, so I wouldn't try that. Though some users feel it is an antidepressant, there is no standard for what is in the pills or capsules. The anti depressant part seems to be associated with blossoms only, and those picked at a certan time in the growth cycle. What you are buying over the counter has no guarantee of that, and as diabetes is hard on our kidneys, I don't think that St John's Wort is a good choice. Stress begets stress. Try to take a little time each day just for you. I know how hard that can be. I went to college, worked a fulltime job and was married. Still, even 30 min in a warm bath with scented candles in the bathroom, and NO THINKING ABOUT SCHOOL OR ANYTHING ELSE. Just float, relax and de-stress. Try fruit yogurt instead of donuts, or a "sandwich" made with lettuce leaves instead of bread. The sugars you eat make you feel worse when the sugar high wears off, and eating simple carbs has been shown to make you crave more carbs. Eat fruit, peanut butter and some whole grain crakers. While the fat content is high, if you have to eat out of a machine, eat peanut butter crackers or those cheese and cracker combos. While we all do it, worry is a fruitless occupation, It does nothing to change the situation. Focus your energies on the things you REALLY need to do instead of wasting precious time stressing and worrying. I have been to University, I get it. But the old saying "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Keep biting and you'll finish off that elephant in no time! Good Luck and God bless.