Right now, there is a lot running through my mind. And a lot going on inside my body. I feel the need to make lists, a comforting task that usually calms me in the strangest way. I also feel the need to go for a run, sleep forever, and chat with some good friends over hot chocolate. Which of those will win out? The lists, for sure. Maybe a run. Then some sleep.

There is surely more to my life than my health, right? This week I'm in need of constant reminders that this is the truth and that my life is NOT ruled by diabetes, PCOS, or whatever else is currently going on inside me. Despite the fact that Marvin* is running through my mind by some strange occurrences and that butterflies rise up in my stomach whenever I think that Monday I start submitting resumes to professional jobs, most of this week has been focused on my health or my ill health. Whichever way the glass fills.

It's just that the way I've been feeling has been overwhelming and all consuming. From the bladder and kidney pain earlier in the week that has dissipated but not disappeared. To the nausea, that I'm thinking might be brought on by the antibiotics prescribed for that same pain. Or the options that I'm considering with Accutane, spiro, and Metformin.

First, the bladder and kidney issues have brought up all the complication fears inside of me. For the longest time (and my mother would hate that I'm saying this and would reply with something like "if you think it, it will happen"), I've felt like my kidneys would be the complication that I'd face in my diabetes battle. Maybe it's just that fear of not getting by with so many years of this disease without SOMETHING. And the fact that so far, my eyes, immune response, and heart seem to be in working order. So it's gotta be the kidneys, huh?

Well I don't know because unfortunately I can't see the future. But I do know that all these weird things going on with me lately have set that fear into hyper-mode. All I want to do is research signs and symptoms. And get those stupid lab tests back as soon as they drew the blood yesterday. It's been confirmed that I definitely do have some sort of infection in my urinary tract or kidneys and that the antibiotics I'm on should work for it. But deep down, I'm wondering if there isn't more to the story. Although I doubt it....fear in hyper-mode.

The other things weighing heavily on my mind are what to do about the Accutane and the other PCOS-specific medications. My Accutane side effects have been difficult to bear lately. I've finished three months of the medication, have improved 80%, and I'm at my frustrated end. Like something crawling beneath my skin, I desperately want off this medication. But I canNOT give up!

I do have two options here though. One, I can stay on the current high dose that I'm on and finish on time in 52 days. Option two is to lower the dose and extend the time period I'm on it. I honestly don't know what is better. Because I want off so bad, but do I want off so bad because I just want to be out from under this pill or because the side effects are overwhelming?

I decided to take a week off from the high dose. A week isn't that big of a difference and I'm capable of catching it up in the end. Maybe it will give my body some time to recover. I'm still on 12.5mg of spiro as well, haven't seemed to notice any side effects specific to that drug. It's hard to say what it is or is not doing though considering all the things going on with me at the moment. I hate that.

I'm also going to send the letter into my doctor requesting Metformin. Depending on my spiro and Accutane situation in the next two weeks, I might ask to start March 1st or April 1st. I'd like to start it sooner, but I'm scared that I'm going to overload myself with all these changes. Especially with school changing so rapidly around me.

My other thought is to change birth controls. Yaz has been highly recommended to me for the PCOS, but I'm scared of the 6x stroke risk compared to the average birth control. Although it seems like the Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo isn't really helping much with anything (moods mostly). I'm at a loss as to how to handle that part of my hormones...take a risk or just continue on with OTCL?

If you hadn't noticed, my mind is running rampant. I doubt it will stop until I get the lab tests back and straighten out my prescriptions. Until then, it's one moment at a time.

*Remember Marvin is the random name I gave the guy I'm currently dating.