There's a lot on my mind lately. Some good, some bad, some neutral. Mostly, it's confusion and decisions. And mostly, it has to do with my health...of course.

I started a new prescription called Spironolactone (or Aldactone) on September 1 to help with the side effects of my PCOS. It's supposed to take about three months to truly see results, but I feel like I'm already seeing some effects. My skin, although still breaking out, is not nearly as bad as it was a few weeks ago. Granted, I'm using tea tree oil and Mederma religiously. So I can't really say if the "Spiro" is helping for sure, but it obviously isn't hurting in that area.

Sadly, the good things about testosterone (energy, motivation, etc) are going down hill for me. I'm losing desire to do much more than sit around and hang out. And those ill effects are what's confusing me the most. Because I don't want bad side effects from these drugs, but I also don't want to go back to the severe acne I was experiencing. So I have no idea which way to go here: stay on it and see or go off and try something else?

I'm also continuing with my lower dosages of bio-identical progesterone. I'm hopeful that the progesterone might give me a little boost in what the spiro has taken from me. But I can't really be sure for another week or so. I just wish I knew if the progesterone dosages were correct (why can't I see the future again???).

The thing looming over all this is my recent suspected diagnosis of endometriosis and my curiosity about going back on birth control. The pain from the supposed endometriosis isn't getting any better, no matter what kinds of treatments I'm on otherwise. So I'm going in for a second opinion on Friday to see about doing surgery to possibly correct things. The unknown of all this...whether it truly is endometriosis, whether surgery might correct things...is getting to me.

And add in the unknowns of my other symptoms...will the spiro work and the side effects lessen, is birth control a better option for me than progesterone, etc...I'm a bundle of confusion. My health has been so up in the air for so long now that I just hate going on like this. My patience has worn very thin. I'm trying to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, but the darkness of the present outweighs it all.

I desperately want to stop wasting my time and my money on so much makeup. I want to spend the night at friends' houses and not feel like I'm a teenager while they have flawless skin now. I want to feel refreshed in the morning, like I have the whole day ahead of me. I want to feel young. And not in pain.

I wish patience was a pill that you could take, because I desperately need some. I feel like the rest of my life is taking off (graduation is so close, I'm dating) while my health is still holding me back in these ways. It's stopping me from being as carefree as I want (even in the simplest thing like feeling comfortable without makeup). It's stopping me from being me.

Hopefully the end of the week will give me a better sense of what I should do and where I should go. Surgery? Spiro? The pill? Nothing? So many choices...so many unanswered questions.