Today I had a breakdown. Not the sobbing, woe is me kind. But the kick it to the curb, throw it out the window kind. I'm ready to kick my health to the curb...once and for awhile to get everything straightened out and stop stressing over hormones and supplements and money. So here's what I decided to do:

Since starting the bio-identical hormone treatment, I've seen great improvement in several areas. My fatigue is generally improved (unless I'm under high stress). My periods are less irregular. My joint and muscle pain is usually completely gone (had a few bumps while they moved things around). And a lot of the odds and ends of pain that struck my body at random moments vanished. Plus we all know that after starting these treatments I lost weight that wouldn't budge before then.

But one of the main things I went in for hasn't changed for the better, it's actually gotten much, much worse. The culprit: my skin. With all the symptoms of PCOS, acne is the toughest one for me. I really didn't have acne during puberty, I didn't even wear makeup until I was about 16 and that was only because everyone else was so I felt left out. But in the spring of 2006, my skin got significantly worse.

Then my body started throwing symptom after symptom at me...and being 18 years old, I didn't think it was too normal. So doctor after doctor tried their conventional pain meds and birth control and antibiotics, but most just made things worse. Finally, I stumbled upon bio-identical therapy.

When I first started that treatment, I decided to take a picture of my face sans makeup so I could see the "before" when it was all said and done. Today, I pulled that picture up and looked in horror. What I remembered was much worse (and I'm sure I thought it was the worst at the time because it was the worst so far), but looking in the mirror today I saw what can't be any worse. My acne went from moderate to severe in a year and a half. And took my self esteem down with it.

So today, I decided that I'm simplifying this part of my health regimen. I'm cutting out supplements and trying to make things easier, hoping my skin sees improvement. I'm slowly weaning off some of them and others quitting altogether. As you know, I stopped the cortisol last month (but didn't see any improvement in my face). I've cut my progesterone down to the minimal dose (as I do feel it is necessary, but also that it might be the culprit for most of this).

I've been desperate for clear skin for quite some time now as the acne makes me feel like I can't truly be myself. I'm always guarded, always concerned. And I'm sick of that lifestyle. After starting the treatment back in 2008, I saw improvement in my skin over the summer. I'm looking to get back to where I was then.

So cutting down the progesterone and cutting out some of the other supplements is the easiest way for me to do that. I considered going completely cold turkey for a few months, but with a pending vacation next week I'm scared that my body might go into overdrive and have me curled up on the bed like I was three years ago. So slowly tapering off things and suffering through a few painful periods (the headaches have already started) is my way of helping my body but finding the results I crave.

I don't doubt that bio-identical hormones work. And I don't doubt that it will work for me. I just don't think we've gone about this in the right way. I know that experience with a 20 year old is limited in this field since it's mostly menopausal women seeking relief. I wish I could have known or seen how this would turn out...if I'd known that my skin would only get worse, I would have gone much slower and pulled back anytime I saw worsening symptoms.

But I can't turn back time, I can only progress with the future. So I'm hoping that these few months will give my skin some time to breathe and heal. And let my wallet get a little fatter on what isn't going towards costly supplements. Mostly, I just want some peace of mind here. I want to know that the end is in sight, to know that I might have this figured out by the end of the year or at least by next summer.

I'd love to worry less about this part of my health, to stress less about what my skin and hormones are doing. And put that extra effort into having a little fun and getting my blood sugars under control a little more. The less health concerns I manage, the better.