I'm really frustrated today. Not because of blood sugars (which have stayed between 110 and 140 all day) or insulin or any of those other details of this disease. I'm frustrated because I can't change doctors without completely stressing out my life.

I received a suggestion from my old pediatric endo about a doctor in town, so I checked the insurance to make sure I'd be covered. And sure enough...he's not on my acceptable provider list. Even if I wanted to pay out of network, I can't. Some rule about providers being within 75 miles of my home and I'm not on a PPO.

So then I checked the doctors at a local teaching hospital known to be renowned in its patient care. The first doctor I asked for: not accepting new patients. The second: first available appointment in July. I would wait for July, except there's one major catch. I need a referral to see this doctor. And in order to get a referral, I have to find a new primary care physician who can send me to this system.

I thought that wouldn't be a problem since I need to visit the OBGYN for a yearly check-up as well. I called the OBGYN department of that same teaching hospital and asked who might be the "best" for me to have as a primary care physician. And much to my dismay (as I've heard from almost everyone that OBGYNs can now be PCPs), their OBGYNs cannot serve as primary care doctors.

If I knew that the doctor I'm trying to see was really the "one," I wouldn't mind the hassle. It's a $20 copay for the new PCP then a $45 copay for the endo. I could handle that...except that I have no idea that this new doctor will be the one that I want or need. And I'm not willing to risk the money and the time yet.

Now I've sent another email to my pediatric endo to see if he can recommend someone in my current system (other than my current doctor). I'm thinking that the best way to tackle this might be to just go down the list of diabetes specialists in my system. After all, I have to stumble upon one that I like at some point, right?

I also tried calling the nurse of the endos at my current clinic to ask who might specialize in pregnancy and type 1, but they wouldn't give me any names. They claimed that all their endos saw the same number of type 1s and type 2s and anyone would be suitable for pregnancy. I felt like screaming into the phone.

This is my health, this is my future, this is my life! I need a doctor who will help me through the next ten years, who will learn my body and my lifestyle, who will keep me updated and allow me to keep them updated. I'm so sick of doing the run-around with these doctors. I'm so sick of insurance and not having the right thing at the right time. I'm tired of depending on what a doctor says, what the insurance company allows, or what my budget permits when it comes to my diabetes management.

Why can't I find a doctor who will readily say: yes, I see a staggering number of type 1s; yes, I'll allow emails or personal pages; yes, I can help you through a pregnancy or a marriage or whatever else life throws your way? Why is this so hard? So many other diabetics that I know are so lucky to have found a doctor that fits their needs. They are lucky to have access to the Joslin Clinic or the Mayo system. They are blessed to find a doctor that helps them personally and intimately.

One day, I promise that I will just pay out of pocket for these appointments. I will find a doctor that I love and forget about insurance. One day, I will refuse to rely on the yeas and nays of the insurance companies, the doctors, the nurses, and whomever else tries to get in my way. This isn't about a personal grudge or a personal relationship; this is my life.