I was really hoping for magic when I started this new routine. I wanted an easy transition from the pump to MDI's. I wanted an "out" from the pump...a way to say that it really isn't working and it's all the pump's fault. I really don't even want to be putting these words to paper.

But I am. I'm confessing. Lantus and Humalog are not working out any better than the pump. The week before I went off the pump, my averages were at 140 (and that was with pizza on two occasions). I wasn't having as many lows as before, although I was still having them.

Unfortunately, I think I was so frustrated with my own control that I was blaming it all on the pump. Because MDI's have left me with two weeks of highs and lows spaced throughout the days. My averages jumped to 177 and are now falling back to 156. But I'm having lows (although not as bad as lows on the pump) all over the place. And I'm having highs every time I turn around. I can't seem to find an even playing field.

I really wanted Lantus to work for me again. I wanted to get rid of the pump for a while. I don't like having it attached all the time. I hate the infusion site changes. Overall, I just don't feel compatible with it.

Now that I'm looking at these averages and the numbers laid out before me, I'm not sure any of that matters. Will Lantus give me the type of control that I'm desperately seeking? Or is the pump the best thing for me if I want to get an A1c lower than 7%?

Part of me says that Lantus gave me an A1c of 6.9 (my lowest in the past sixteen years) and the pump had me bouncing around the low to mid 7% range. That part says that Lantus will work, but it might take time. That part also wonders if my body chemistry is so changed in the past 18 months that I can't obtain that type of control anymore with MDI's.

I still miss parts of the pump. I miss the active insulin readings. I miss the square boluses for pizza (because Lantus hasn't done so well with that meal). I miss the ease of taking insulin in the middle of life.

I just really don't miss the pump always being hooked to me. I don't miss having to stop my life for ten minutes every three days to change the reservoir and infusion site. I don't miss the lumps and bumps under my clothes. All those things are the precise reasons that it took me fourteen and a half years to go on the pump anyway. Now my mind is just refreshed that freedom is a total blessing.

Today marks the two week anniversary of my pump sabbatical. I gave myself two weeks to make any final decisions or judge how Lantus seemed to be working for me. But I don't feel prepared to make that decision. I want Lantus to work. I don't want to go back on the pump right now. And sadly, I think that is my decision.

I'm just not sure if it's the right decision. Yes, it saves me from the daily frustrations that I felt about the pump, but will it save ME? Is staying on Lantus cutting my life short? Is truly getting control with Lantus going to be the same lack of freedom that the pump entails (cutting out pizza, bolusing on schedule, etc)? I hate that these decisions could affect the rest of my life. I hate that diabetes has to follow every moment of my future.

Because right now, I just want to be a college kid who can dress the way she wants without worrying about where the pump will go. I want to go out with friends and not worry about taking a shot of Lantus before 11PM. I just want to be normal. But I can't find a routine that gives me any reason to think that I might be normal at some point. Where is this glimmer of hope I'm so desperately seeking?