Sometimes I think it would be easier to be Type 1. Being on multiple daily injections would require me to be on multiple daily blood sugar tests. Not that being Type 2 doesn't require that, but while I don't always eat right and test when I should, I am dilligent about taking my long-acting insulin and Metformin. Getting myself to test more often (so that I could take the right amount of medicine) might just get me to do the rest right.

The other night when I tested before bed-because I thought I hardly had any carbs for dinner and didn't want to take too much insulin at bedtime-I was shocked to see 295. What the heck did I eat, I wondered, thinking about the taco soup for dinner. Was it the three saltines? The three or four bites of refried beans? Seeing 295 made me wonder where I had been the rest of the day. It wasn't until a day or two later that I remembered I had also had a slice of apple pie. Eating the things I shouldn't is so routine that I frequently forget what I've consumed in a day.

I have now, and have always had, an insatiable desire to eat. Not a voracious appetite, just an overwhelming desire to eat. I remember walking to grade school and frequently stopping for king size packs of M&Ms, Skittles and/or those sugar-covered gel circles. I even ran the 50-yard dash once with little pieces of candy bouncing around in my pockets, my hands pressed hard against my leg so nothing spilled out.

Food is constantly on my mind. I think about food when I wake up, after I eat, before I eat, I even dream about eating and food (the most-recent dream involved the bathroom tub being full of chili). I often think about a scene from the movie Groundhog Day when Bill Murray is in the café eating just about everything on the menu. Andie MacDowell says to him "Don't you worry about cholesterol?" When I watch that, I think about how heavenly it must be to eat all that crap guilt-free.

My drug of choice is often smallish, poppable food that usually involves chocolate. M&M's, Kissables, and those bags of candy bar-flavored balls are some of my faves. I've tried all the tricks I can think of to fool myself into thinking that it's just the motion of continually putting something in my mouth that I'm looking for, not the actual chocolate (OK, who am I really trying to kid?). Peanuts, Ritz bits, All-Bran snack bites, dry Fiber One cereal, Quaker Breakfast Bites, ice chips, chewing on straws and sugar-free gum are all part of my repertoire of reverse psychology.

I made a rule for myself a long time ago. I agreed that it would be OK to let myself splurge as long as whatever I bought was gone that day. No gallons of ice cream or family size bags of M&M's to sit around the house. My theory was that if I gave in to my craving it would be gone and I would be able to go on with my day. But that's not how it works out usually. Usually, it gives me license to continue.