I read today about a woman who boluses for every jelly bean, grape and kernel of popcorn she eats. And I can't help but think "why?"

I mean, I know why, but why don't I have that mindset? What has happened to me that I eat a handful of mini vanilla wafers without a second thought? Ok, I do give it a second thought, but I don't use the fast-acting insulin that I have readily available. What exactly is it with me that I can't always bring myself to use that?

I'm a grazer, and I've speculated that perhaps I'm afraid. Afraid that I'll take too much or too little for my grazing, I guess. I, frankly, don't really know what it is. It's not like I'm afraid of needles or anything. I,I just don't get it. I get so frustrated at myself for seeming not to care.

I posted on my blog not long ago about being high all the time and needing something to help me with the highs that just won't budge. I emailed and practically begged my endo for a prescription for Novolog. I got it and used it almost daily for quite some time. And now I've stopped. And I don't understand what's holding me back.

I know the complications, I know about the eye problems and kidney failure and the limb amputations. I want to see my children grow up and attend dances and graduations and marriages. I don't want to be a burden ever to my children. So, I ask perhaps rhetorically, what exactly is keeping me from doing what I know my body deserves? If I'm not going to eat right, at least I should take medicine readily available to me to counteract the crap I'm eating. Why can't I get that to sink in?