cometmoon
I'm burnt out on the constant diabetes thoughts that run through my head, even when I'm not consciously thinking about diabetes. I'm so tired of everything I do being followed with a diabetes related thought. I wish that other people could understand how present diabetes is in my life.
When I work out, I don't just get to de-stress my body and burn calories. I get to plan basal rates, meal times, and blood sugars around my workout.
When I eat out, I don't just get to enjoy the scrumptious meal cooked for me. I have to guess carbs and wonder if I've over or under judged. I get to check my blood sugar two hours after the meal, just to make sure I'm not spiking or dropping too quickly.
When I buy clothes, I don't just wonder if my curves are correctly accented. I wonder where I'll put my pump and if the infusion set will show.
When I visit friends, I don't just have fun and enjoy my time. I have to make sure I'm prepared if I go low. I have to make sure that my reservoir is full or I have a spare bottle of Humalog and a syringe.
When I look at my future, I don't just imagine the adventures I'll have or the people I'll meet. I wonder if complications will affect my life. I wonder if I'll be fighting for a cure still.
When I go to sleep, I don't just find release from the day. I worry about low blood sugars and high blood sugars. I worry about pump batteries, reservoirs, and if my cat will eat my pump tubing.
When I replay my day, I don't just remember the funny joke at work or the annoying driver in front of me. I remember the finger pricks, the low feeling, and the cotton mouth when I peaked after lunch. I remember all the thoughts I had about diabetes.
Diabetes is so constant in my life. And has been since before I can remember. I don't recall a day where I didn't have these things. I can't imagine what it's like to not be diabetic.
These thoughts, these worries, these emotions are continuously running through my head. They are like a mouse on a wheel, spinning out of control at times. They are consuming, overpowering, unnerving at times. Unfortunately, these thoughts are only a quarter of my diabetes life.
