I'm 21 years old. As much as I like to consider myself an adult, I know I've barely lived. Yes, I've been in love, traveled to multiple countries, held a steady job, and seen the sunrise. But I haven't held my own child in my arms, said "I Do" in a white dress, walked across the university commencement stage, or owned my own home.

I have spent the last four years of my life fighting against my health though. A fight that has beaten me down, bruised and broken me both physically and emotionally. A fight that I'm ready to give up on.

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Back in 1993, diabetes was a very bulky disease. Meters were two or three times their size now. Lancet devices didn't "ping" the way they do these days; it was more of a "thwack" with no control on how far it went into tiny finger tips. Strip bottles were double their size.

Those basic necessities added up to a hefty weight alone. On top of that, we carried rolls of Lifesavers, a glucagon kit, alcohol swabs, extra syringes and lancets, logbooks, tubes of icing, and random tidbits that got added along the way. It was enough to weight a four year old to the floor.

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At 11pm Thursday, I took 1mg of dexamethasone. It's a synthetic steroid that acts like cortisol in the body. A normally functioning endocrine system will stop making it's own cortisol when this drug is taken. A cushingoid one will show no difference with active dexamethasone.

So I woke up at 6:30am Friday to get the dexamethasone suppression test done. My blood sugar was 318...they were not kidding about potential high blood sugars. I drove to a local lab (luckily, I could call this test in to do it here instead of driving all the way home from school for it) and they drew the blood. The lab technician said we should know Monday what the results are.

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If you weren't aware, Oprah did an entire episode today on diabetes. The silent killer, the demise of America. People are dropping like flies!!! Haven't you heard?

Okay, maybe I should give Ms. Oprah a little credit for putting this out there. It IS an epidemic. But she owes me a correction. Type 2 is an epidemic! Yes, more and more type 1s are popping up. For goodness sake, I know so many people who were diagnosed in the last 5 years...it's kind of insane. But type 1 is not the focus of Oprah's show.

Although she didn't exactly point that out. The show opens with diabetes being this silent killer, the demise of the population. She actually says that people are dropping like flies. Yep. Like flies. Dr. Oz helps her out with some tricky animation that shows insulin rejecting sugar and the pancreas secreting yellow goo and all sorts of lovely images.

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I was grocery shopping when the phone rang. I didn't feel the vibration in my coat pocket; the call went to voicemail. As I was checking out, I checked my phone. Two messages. One from my mom and one from the doctor's office.

"Hi, Miss Guerin. This is G from Dr. K's office. Your lab results are back. I'd like to talk to you. Please call me back at..."

My heart sank. I've heard those words too many times. At 21 years old, I shouldn't be hearing those words!!! If your lab results are fine, they don't call and ask for a return phone call. They tell you that everything is fine or that the results are in the mail. You're not important if you're healthy.

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Last week's numbers decided to soar back into the 280-330 range. My averages bumped from 156 to 188. And I really have no idea why.

My Lantus is up two units by now. I'm aggressively bolusing for food, which so far hasn't kicked me in the butt too hard. But I'm still not seeing the kind of rapid drops that I'd like to. At least the 300's are out the door though.

I'm just so frustrated with these bouncing numbers lately. It goes from bad to worse at the drop of a hat. No explanations, no cause. Just random weeks of resistance and soaring numbers.

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