It's been ages since I posted here. My life has been chaotic and, frankly, I haven't had much to write about anywhere online.

We had to switch endocrinologists recently because our health insurance won't cover Olivia's doctors at Joslin. Olivia and I both hate it but we can't afford to pay out of pocket to see Dr. R so we've switched to UMass. 

Our initial appointment was with an awful doctor who left us waiting for three hours in the exam room and offered no apology when he finally came in. He got all snotty with me when I expressed my annoyance. He kept calling me "mom." Dood, unless you came out of my womb, you don't call me mom, capiche? 

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I don't often think about how much mental energy I put into tamping down the thoughts that run thru my head about Olivia and how her diabetes affects her. I do bury those feelings because it makes me sad and angry and worried and a whole host of other, not-so-pleasant feelings and I just can't walk around all day feeling that way - it's too draining. Instead, I concentrate on working with her, figuring out how to handle the myriad situations that crop up every day without dwelling on the ramifications of the disease too much. I'll let myself touch lightly on it daily, but wearing all those concerns on my sleeve would send me to the nut house. Every so often, though,something will burst that dam and I'll sit down and have a good old cry about it.  This morning was one of those days. 

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I talked to Olivia again about going off the pump and she's adamant about wanting to do it.  We were changing her site because, once again, the site she'd had in got infected. She only keeps a site in for 2 days, but they often seem to get red and irritated. We use antiseptic wipes before inserting them - I don't know if she's just sensitive or if we're doing something wrong or what, but she's sick of it. I don't blame her; after looking at her stomach and arms, she's got a lot of ugly, raised white  bumps, especially on her belly. We rotate sites all the time and go pretty far out on to her sides, but the scars just don't seem to go away.

I don't know if there's anything that can be used to get rid of the scars or if she's stuck with them forever.  I just know they really bother her. 

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I've been feeling overwhelmed by life lately, not just on the diabetes front, but on all of them.  My toddlers are making me nutty, my 20 year old son is making decisions that I think are really unwise and my job bores me to tears most of the time. The only thing not driving me nuts is Olivia. Considering she's a 14 year old girl who's just been dumped by her boyfriend of six months, she's been pleasant to be around most of the time.

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Finally, finally, finally, we have health insurance again, which means I can get more strips and more insulin and don't have to go begging.  I hate asking for stuff - it makes me feel like a leach.

I didn't realize how much it was stressing me out until those little plastic cards showed up in the mail.  It was literally a weight off my back.  My neck wasn't so tense and my shoulders weren't up around my ears. Such a relief.

Of course, Olivia's endo at Joslin isn't covered on this new insurance and most likely won't be, as their condition for covering out-of-network providers is that there can't be any such providers on their books.  Of course there are two endo practices with them.  I have a call in to Olivia's pediatrician to see what she thinks about attempting to get Joslin covered but I'm also going to ask for a referral to the endo group at UMass, in Worcester. 

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Oh, hi.  It's been a while, hasn't it?  Yeah.  Slacker central over here.  I read and I think about things to write but the motivation just disappeared last month (and the month before that, if I'm being honest).  I'm hoping the new year will kick my butt into action a little bit and have me posting here more often.

On to the latest: 

Olivia has been going to the nurse too frequently to treat low blood sugars.  She usually has stuff in her bag to treat, but the nurse has been insisting that Olivia go down there for every low.  In O's IEP it states that she can treat in class and there's a doctor's note in place, so I don't quite get what the deal is with the nurse.

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