I have not had good blood sugar the last four days. Watching the little blips on Dex go crazy high and then plummet below my "low" mark has been nerve wracking to say the least.

What did I eat? Did I not exercise enough? Did I overdo my exercise? Am I stressed? Is it hormones? Is my meter calibrated right? Did I calibrate Dex right? What did I eat? Did I forget to bolus? Did I miscalculate carbs?

What did *I* do?

The last four days I blamed myself for my roller coaster blood sugars. They were horrible, really. Highs so high and not responding to insulin. And then when those highs finally started coming down I felt comfortable enough to eat and my sugar would shoot back up. I think Dex woke me up most of those four nights.

  (READ MORE)

I went shopping last night for just one new outfit and for the first time in a very long time I tried not to be so hard on myself about the way I look.
 

I’ve been heavy for a long time. I remember my mom helping me try to lose weight when I was in sixth grade. I think I lost 13 lb. and was beside myself with excitement.
 

I can’t ever remember a time when I was happy with the way my body looks. Though when I look back now at pictures of myself in college I realize that I wasn’t as heavy as I thought I was, didn’t look as undesirable as I thought I was.
  (READ MORE)

"You know," I said to The Mr. this morning as I sat on the bed putting on makeup and getting ready for work, "it's really hard to get out of bed in the morning when we're snuggling."

He smiled and I leaned over to kiss him.

"It is nice, isn't it?" he said. "But you got up and left anyway."

"Well, I wanted to make sure I got to walk this morning because I'm not sure I'll be able to go tomorrow," I said. The Mr. looked at me confusedly. "They're calling for rain. And the high is only 63. It's going to be cold and wet," I argued.

  (READ MORE)

The lowest A1C I ever had was 5.9. I've been striving to get back there for years. My highest: 9. I continue to strive not to get back there ever again. And yet I can't seem to get below 6.8 and when I do get there I don't stay there for long.

At my last endo appointment I asked K if they were going to do an A1C. I was sorely disappointed when she said that since it hadn't been three months since my last one that my insurance likely wouldn't cover it and that the out of pocket cost was about $50.

"I don't think it's worth it," she said.

  (READ MORE)

As I stood in the bathroom Friday night, I had to count on my fingers. The math was too much for me any other way. Tuesday, Wednesday... one, two, three. I had to count twice because I didn't believe that I had gotten 11 days out of my Dexcom sensor.

I was still getting mostly good readings, but Friday things had started to get a little farther off than I like and I had put extra tape on the peeling sensor to keep it on as long as I could.

I was beyond thrilled with how things had gone over the last 11 days. I had not often gone over 200 and when I did I knew why. And my lows were kept at bay. I really felt like I was getting out of Dex what I should have been getting out of it all along. I had this goal in front of me to lower my A1C and I felt like Dex was helping me achieve that goal.

  (READ MORE)

last night I screamed. I screamed in the kitchen last night. I beat my fists against my legs and pounded my feet against the cold tile floor like a child in the midst of a temper tantrum. I clenched my fists and screamed.
 

silently.
 

a tedious task that needed steady hands. interrupted. I screamed last night.
 

silently.
 

nothing to do but sit on the couch. and wait. and scream. unsure of when the shaking will be gone so I can pick up and continue with my task. with life.
 

I am screaming now. 76 and a nose dive showing on Dex. I do not want to eat. I am not hungry. The thought of sugar makes me want to vomit.
 

I am screaming now.
 

silently. (READ MORE)