It's my time...to appreciate the past.

Dear Mom,

I've probably never thanked you out loud for the years of care that you've put into my life. And I should. Every day of my life. Because you have been the rock, the support, and the lifeline that I've need in the past 16+ years of living with diabetes.

I've heard the way you tell my diagnosis story. I hear the fear in your voice, the emotion run through you. I know that those months were some of the hardest in your life. When you talk about watching me have seizures and bad night lows, I hear that same fear and emotion. I know having a diabetic child must be one of the most difficult things to encounter as a parent. I know it wasn't what you expected or wanted or needed in your only girl.

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I'm staring at my logbook right now. I have no idea what to do. My averages are still above 200, although my baseline numbers are generally running between 160 and 180. Yet I'm still seeing numbers like 302, 264, or 270 crop up.

I raised my Lantus to 33 units last night and I woke up at 96 when I'd gone to bed at 224. I'm hopeful that 33 units might be the golden number with all this. If I could get my basal numbers to drop back into a normal range (I'm looking for under 150 at the moment), then my post-meal numbers wouldn't be spiking so high. Plus I could keep working on the post-meal numbers more extensively if those basal numbers dropped.

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It's my time...to remind myself that every caregiver needs a break.

I've been my own diabetes caregiver since about the age of 13. I remember the day quite vividly that changed it all. TCH (my pediatric endos at the time) made the switch from "sugar abstinence" to "carb counting." Otherwise known as Intensive Insulin Management.

I had to attend a class about carb counting, A1c goals, and overall "intensive management." My mom usually went to every diabetes-related doctor's visit or informational. But this time, the class was on a Saturday. Her job at the time didn't allow Saturdays off, so my dad took me instead.

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It's my time...to change my habits.

Numbers have been consuming my life in the past two weeks. Every time I turn around, a number pops up that leaves me feeling out of sync, exhausted, and completely burnt out. Averages like 241 or even 301 are consuming my logbook. Seeing numbers below 170 are a rare occurrence, with most riding in the upper 200 and 300 range.

The other side of the numbers is the insulin levels. I've raised my Lantus to 32 units in the evening now. And from that, I've had my first low in a week (and it was only a 72 after not eating for quite some time). I've also almost doubled my Humalog, which seems to be the biggest deterrent to those pesky 300's that I was seeing so regularly.

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I've lost 16 pounds in the past 7 months or so. The bulk of it was lost over the summer when I was working out on average four times a week. And the last few pounds slid off within the first month of school, with the increase in activity on a daily basis and the lack of frequent calorie consumption.

My clothes are baggy now. I have jeans from high school that I'm still squeezing into though, so I'm determined to lose a little bit more weight. My body feels better, looking in the mirror is much more appealing these days than it has been in the past. And I'm proud of myself for working so hard to make this happen.

So when I showed my mom a pair of pants that have about three inches to spare around the waist, her response threw me. "That's really great!" But it was followed with "Are you sure you're not losing weight because you're running high?"

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It's my time...to have the best of both worlds.

The last week has been filled with high numbers. Consistent results in the 300's. Morning numbers in the 170's and higher. Only two lows, brought on by extensive Humalog use. 217 is not a pleasant average to look at.

I'm positive that I know exactly why these numbers are all so high. Which frustrates me (the reason, not the knowing). A bad mix of birth control pills and Accutane. Both have side effects like high blood sugar or blood sugar changes.

I'd definitely say these were high and definitely changed. And I'm very annoyed. I've raised my Lantus to 31 units in the evening, which has brought lower numbers for today. So I'll leave it at 31 units for the next day or two in order to see how it's working long term. (READ MORE)