I am snuggled safe in my bed, with my insulin pump tucked up against me, working just fine.  I wish I was aware of this.

But I'm not. 

I am in the living room of my Aunty Dot's house in Weymouth, MA.  The purple seventies style shag carpeting growing up between my toes like grass.  I am leaning on a plaid recliner.  My brothers are there.  We're kids.  And we're with my dad.  We're eating chinese food.  Only my chinese food is pink.  If I explained all of the things wrong with the above scenario (for example: my Aunty Dot has been gone a long time and she never actually had a shag carpet), the pink chinese food would seem perfectly fine. .

  (READ MORE)

I have finally decided to get my act together. I've had enough of yo-yoing bloodsugar. I've been lazy about my gym routine for long enough.

This week was a good start at getting back on track.

I tested my basal rates over the weekend and on Monday and found that I needed to make a minor adjustment or two. The new basal rates kicked ass on Tuesday and Wednesday and have been treating me well today. Step one - check. (READ MORE)

Ugh.

That is the perfect one word description of my diabetes management these days.  I am off the rails.  I am not on track.  I am completely (or so it seems) - out of control.  I see highs, I see lows, I see some in-range sugars - but mostly - not. 

Today, for example.  68 mg/dl this morning.  No breakfast, because I was too busy, just some Fuse Banana Colada juice.  119 mg/dl at around noon time.  Salad.  No test until 4pm.  4pm.  And I've tested two times today.  Then I'm 200 mg/dl...  So what do I do?  I have a carb heavy dinner and some ice cream.  I am 236 mg/dl at 6:30 pm.  I am 175 mg/dl now.  Terrible.  Terrible.  Terrible.  And not rare these days.

I haven't been to the gym at all this week.  Work activities.  Home searches...  Other stuff that's - distracting. 

  (READ MORE)

I am sometimes disappointed by the things my body can't do or by the things my does because of my diabetes.  Like yesterday, when a downward cruising bloodsugar derailed my plans for a solid workout at the gym. 

I was let down by my body's inability to stabilize. 

I was let down by the fact that what has been working very well in terms of late afternoon/early evening basal dosing failed me.

And I was let down by the fact that even after juice and an early dinner of 40 carb grams with no bolus, I barely got thirty five minutes of exercise in before my rapidly dropping bloodsugar forced me to stop...

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I'm skipping the letter L - in favor of my very late Raise Your Voice post. Even later than I thought - because of technical difficulties... (Thank you, K) My voice still counts, I hope.

The countless days of senseless whirling
Numbers chugging, dancing in my head
Reminding me of their import

The unending barrage of needles and blood
And of damage and fear
Reminding me of my body's most drastic flaw

The every day of it

The every night of it

The demands

The requirements

The relentless, all-consuming weight of it
The wishing it was different - I was different
And the realization that you play the cards you're dealt

I watch, most days silent, as it destroys people I love.
This beast.
And I wonder how many healthful, strong days remain for me.

I look into eyes so like my own
Mirrors reflecting the days behind - the mistakes
And the days ahead? - For me?
(READ MORE)