Today was my last dermatology appointment for the Accutane. I'm a mixture of excited and sad. I'm excited because the Accutane has been such a hassle. Monthly doctor's appointments and blood draws, debilitating side effects, and just the stress of putting this into my system. So now it's over. Awesome.

Except that my dermatologist isn't exactly happy with my results. Yes, I'm much improved. 90% in fact. But according to him, he likes to end things at 100%. He even suggested staying on it longer or switching brands.

Right now, I'm just not up for that though. My body needs a break. I need a break. To just feel normal again. To not be so tired, so fatigued. To go one day without a headache or muscle ache or joint pain. For my body to just feel closer to whole rather than endlessly worn out.

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I've said it before and I know others have too: it's awfully strange, considering my profession, that I don't read books. I've never been a book reader. Ever. I struggled through classes in high school and college that required reading novels.

I know, right? And yes I still want to write the Great American Novel. But that's different. Part of the reason I don't read more is that I'm easily distracted. I can sit down and read a chapter or two of a book, put it down and think that I'll be able to get back to it the next day. But then it's a week before I pick the book up again and I've forgotten what I've read.

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Last week, I felt pretty on top of things. I had a burst of energy on Tuesday that lasted until Friday or so. I managed to study for a test, do some laundry, catch up on a load of dishes, and clean up the mess that accumulated over the past few weeks. I even went for a run on Friday morning.

My blood sugars were averaging 165 or so. I only jumped above 250 on two occasions, in the same night after a chocolate shake and high carb meal. I also wasn't having many lows. The stable numbers definitely helped me feel better.

There's still a lot that needs to get done. My apartment is nowhere close to being clean. It's really quite shameful. I have a yoga presentation to work on. I need to start studying for that physics test. And I've got a paper to revise for one of my sociology classes.

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I'm currently on Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo, which is a low estrogen triphasic birth control. I picked this one years ago because it was low estrogen and had the same progestin that's known to decrease acne. Plus it comes in a pretty nifty diskette...mine has a flower on it in fact. I only stayed on it for six months back then though because it wasn't really helping with the cramping that I was having. Nor did my acne seem to improve.

I went back on it a few months ago because of the Accutane regimen that requires birth control use. It seemed the safest option after Seasonique left me with 21 days of breakthrough bleeding. This is my second completed pack. And I think I'm beginning to see a pattern with my blood sugars.

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Dating has a lot to do with how comfortable you feel in your own skin and especially around that other person. Diabetes, PCOS, and any other health condition really can make comfort an extremely troubling thing. It's something that I've become very familiar with over the past few years.

Diabetes can make feeling "okay" or "right" a distant thing, a rare thing. Each range of numbers can throw your moods into tailspins. Lows make you weak, anxious. Highs make you irritable, crabby. Just knowing the number, even without the biological effects, can upset a perfectly even keel.

There are the bruises and bumps from years of insulin injections. The calluses on fingertips. Those things don't make you feel comfortable, sexy in your own skin. They remind you, they remind your lover that you aren't whole.

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A week or so ago, Marvin and I were discussing fertility in the context of the measles affecting a man's fertility. I have no idea how it came up, but it did in that weird way that topics randomly pass across the synapses. In the course of our conversation, I mentioned my own fertility.

Between PCOS and endometriosis, there's a strong possibility that I have fertility problems. No doctor has told me that and I don't need to know for several years. But it's the statistical facts that both those conditions affect the ability to get pregnant.

Marvin's response: "That sucks. I want lots of kids."

It was an unexpected comment. Mainly because we are casually dating and it was such a blatant statement that he was considering having kids with me. It isn't like I haven't considered the same prospect, but it was still a slight shock to hear the words come out of his mouth. (READ MORE)