As a parent of a child with diabetes, it’s not so easy to set goals. Test his blood sugar more often? Don’t think so. His little fingers look like they’ve been dipped in bee hives. Doctors have been urging us to cut down on testing for years.

Get more exercise? Charlie never stops running. He’s like a greyhound on amphetamine.

Get less exercise? Doubtful. See above.

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I have not had good blood sugar the last four days. Watching the little blips on Dex go crazy high and then plummet below my "low" mark has been nerve wracking to say the least.

What did I eat? Did I not exercise enough? Did I overdo my exercise? Am I stressed? Is it hormones? Is my meter calibrated right? Did I calibrate Dex right? What did I eat? Did I forget to bolus? Did I miscalculate carbs?

What did *I* do?

The last four days I blamed myself for my roller coaster blood sugars. They were horrible, really. Highs so high and not responding to insulin. And then when those highs finally started coming down I felt comfortable enough to eat and my sugar would shoot back up. I think Dex woke me up most of those four nights.

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I am a firm believer in goals. Without striving towards something I lose focus. I need to have that bell to ring, button to push, or number to reach to motivate myself.

Currently I am working on losing 40 pounds. I put up a spot on my blog that is titled "Where's the 40?" and beneath it I post a picture of the number I am at in relation to the 40 pounds. Right now I am still in the high 30's but seeing that number motivates me. It gets me to want to make changes so that number changes, and so I will reach my goal.

For some, knowing that your health will be improved and you will hopefully live longer are good enough reasons. Those alone motivate. For some odd, very strange reason, that is not enough for me. Or maybe I should say, that these things to not seem real enough for me. I need a goal I can reach in the next few months so I can say "I've done it" and prepare myself for the next goal. (READ MORE)

I went shopping last night for just one new outfit and for the first time in a very long time I tried not to be so hard on myself about the way I look.
 

I’ve been heavy for a long time. I remember my mom helping me try to lose weight when I was in sixth grade. I think I lost 13 lb. and was beside myself with excitement.
 

I can’t ever remember a time when I was happy with the way my body looks. Though when I look back now at pictures of myself in college I realize that I wasn’t as heavy as I thought I was, didn’t look as undesirable as I thought I was.
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Look! on the skin
The symbol of what lies within.
Now turn red to tempt Snow White
To make her hungry for a bite...

--the Wicked Queen, Walt Disney's Snow White, 1937

There's nothing like a fresh fall apple. Crisp, juicy, sweet or tart, whatever your preference. Think of pick-your-own orchards, fresh apple pie, baked apples, candy apples, caramel apples, apple bobbing at Hallowe'en, Mrs. Prindable's chocolate-covered apples at Thanksgiving and Christmas...

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last night I screamed. I screamed in the kitchen last night. I beat my fists against my legs and pounded my feet against the cold tile floor like a child in the midst of a temper tantrum. I clenched my fists and screamed.
 

silently.
 

a tedious task that needed steady hands. interrupted. I screamed last night.
 

silently.
 

nothing to do but sit on the couch. and wait. and scream. unsure of when the shaking will be gone so I can pick up and continue with my task. with life.
 

I am screaming now. 76 and a nose dive showing on Dex. I do not want to eat. I am not hungry. The thought of sugar makes me want to vomit.
 

I am screaming now.
 

silently. (READ MORE)