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December 20, 2014
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Being Vulnerable

July has kicked off to be quite insane and a little freaking weird, to be honest. On the 1st, I hopped on a jet plane to vacation with my mom on the East Coast. We roadtripped to Montreal, which was interestingly wonderful. It was great to get away, but definitely too short-lived to return to life as normal this week.

I am still dealing with a lot of emotional things lately, which has me wondering what underlying issue is making these ugly emotions turn up. While my mom and I sat in a lovely art deco restaurant overlooking the streets of Montreal, we sat talking about how exhausted I am. We talked about what might be causing it as I haven’t been sleeping well at all. I’m waking up constantly and just having short lived rest. It’s wearing on me. As we talked, the tears welled in my eyes and I saw just how exhausted I really am right now.

Other things in life are going….oddly? Things seemed to slow down for a few months but now they are picking up with full force and I can start to feel the weight of everything again. I am not sure I can handle another high speed rat race in life right now. I’m not ready. I still haven’t recovered from the chaos that has been my life since the fall of 2012. When I look at the emotions I’m feeling right now, I can’t help but wonder if it is that perpetual stress and chaos that’s finally hitting the surface.

Two years ago, I was an incredibly different woman. Not a bad one, by any means, but I hadn’t experienced some of the major events of my life yet. Things that have shaped me, almost all for the better. Two years ago, I sat in Philadelphia with my mom planning an entirely different life. My best friend was days from getting married and life was moving forward. In a lot of directions, but it was still moving forward.

Here we are just two years later and I look back and think “How did I do it? How did I survive?” All of that stress from the fall of 2012 to the spring of 2013 through this year bringing me where I am. All of those emotions that I had to push down just to survive, just to keep breathing without suffocating. And I think, today, I am finally feeling vulnerable enough to let them out. To let them breathe and escape.

This Monday, I went to my first yoga class in a very long time. I’ve been out of the gym and studio since last summer when work took the crazy turn that it did. I’m finally feeling that freedom to return to my love of yoga and enjoyed being on the mat with someone else calling out the poses. At the end of class, the teacher moved us into a few moments of relaxation. I rested in savasana thinking of a billion things but yet nothing at all. I thought about my emotions, I thought about how thrilling it was to feel my body stretch and strain in poses I hadn’t seriously done in months, I thought about how dirty the house is.

As the teacher talked over the students, she focused on opening our hearts and chests. She talked about vulnerability. Sometimes it is so hard to be vulnerable. It is so much easier to hold things in and not release them for fear of rejection, misunderstanding, or pain. The last two years brought me to a place where vulnerability was not an option. I was protecting myself even if it seemed that I was vulnerable. I have been living in “ON” mode for so long. As the teacher released us to explore our vulnerabilities and express to the world who we really are, I couldn’t help but think it was exactly what I needed in that moment and in this headspace.

I am only scratching the surface of being truly vulnerable right now. There are still emotions that I have yet to realize. I think there are some vulnerabilities that may not ever surface. Things that I just cannot say, confess, or work through. Some things feel easier to stay frozen in a small space inside than to release them to the openness of communication and expression. But part of me knows that releasing what is here at the surface and what is lurking beneath is the only way to move forward.

I am opening myself to communicate what I need and be vulnerable where it counts. I hope that opening the dialogue to these emotions and the cause will soon alleviate their intensity, but there are still decisions in my life to be made and plans to be set. Things will fall into place soon that should lessen the stress of living day to day with some unknowns, but until then, I will take it one vulnerable day at a time.

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Megan Holmes
Megan Holmes Megan was diagnosed in 2009 with Type I. As an RN, she was familiar with the medical side of her diagnosis; learning to be a good patient on the other hand, was and continues to be the challenge of her day to day life.   (Read More)
Michelle Kowalski
Michelle Kowalski Michelle Kowalski, a writer, editor and photography hobbiest living in Phoenix, was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in February 2005. In January 2008, as part of her quest to start on an insulin pump, Michelle learned that she actually has type 1 diabetes.   (Read More)
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