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I Choose Joy
At 5:30 this morning, I woke up with panic in my mind. In my unconscious mind, three men were surrounding my childhood home where my mom, brothers, best friend, and myself were staying. The last thing I remember is that my brother said he was handling it and I was racing upstairs to be with my mom and best friend. Nightmares and bad dreams aren’t uncommon for me. I’ve had them ever since I can remember…probably one reason why I’ve had trouble sleeping since I was a kid.
Ross and I had talked about my bad dreams a few weeks ago as I had a night riddled with them. He’s sure there’s a correlation between blood sugars and bad dreams but in twenty plus years, I haven’t been able to find one. However, this morning I checked immediately (just for kicks) and found that I’d shot up to 308. Hmm.
Yesterday was the blood sugar roller coaster from hell. I was stuck between 280 and 350 from Saturday night into Sunday afternoon. Syringe injections weren’t bringing me down and the pump didn’t seem to work at all. I changed my site in the afternoon after it started hurting like crazy. And then, of course, every ounce of insulin taken over the last 12 hours went into effect and I dropped. 116 at dinner, 136 post meal, and 160 pre-bed (and post snack). I expected to wake up in the 175 range as I’ve been having trouble spiking overnight.
I did NOT expect to see a 300 level blood sugar on my meter screen though and was, needless to say, quite upset. I am trying to get back into control and really make an effort at controlling my blood sugars. I want to be happy and healthy. I want to feel confident that I’m doing what it takes to avoid complications. I don’t want to fight my diabetes like this.
I honestly cannot say why I spiked to 300 from 160 in 5 short hours. Was it the bad dream and some adrenaline rush? Was it the UTI that I’ve been fighting for a week (with antibiotics)? Was it the ovarian cyst that I think I have right now? I’m tired of this. It’s always a guessing game and it’s never the same thing twice. Exactly how am I supposed to make changes when I have no earthly idea what is directly causing these numbers.
Despite my irritation of the high and waking up well before the alarm was set to go off, I decided that I couldn’t go back to sleep. Instead, I got ready for work as the world was dark and quiet outside. I stopped at Starbucks on my way in and watched the sunrise over the hills as I made the 40 mile trek into the office. It was a gorgeous morning. Fifty degrees outside with dew on the grass and not a cloud in sight. I sipped my coffee and blasted music. I thought about my day and the excitement of seeing Ross this afternoon.
And I smiled. I felt happy. I felt secure. I felt hopeful.
Stress has consumed my life over the last few months as work has taken some weird shifts. In trying to keep my head above water, a lot of things have overpowered my attitude. I’ve let my diabetes management, my exercise, and my mental health take a back seat in just trying to get through each day. One of my biggest frustrations is that everything else in my life is absolutely wonderful. I am incandescently happy with Ross and could not ask for more. We are planning an amazing future together and I am excited each day that we have each other. My heart is healed. I have everything I could possibly want in life.
The brilliance of that has been tarnished by my stress level. Today, I decided that my attitude will shift. I will handle this stress in the best ways for me. I will take the time to work out on a regular basis. I will manage my diabetes so that I feel positive about my future. I will enjoy every single moment I have with Ross. I will read books, I will travel, I will do the things that make me joyous. But more than doing those things, I am making a point to leave the stress at the door and celebrate in the happiness that I have.
Life is too short not to live in this happiness and peace. I deserve to cling to this as long as it will last. I deserve to celebrate in the love that I’ve found. I want to be joyous and smile and excited. I don’t want to be disappointed or frustrated or broken. I’ve had enough of that in the past and now have too much to celebrate to have any more of that. Today, it’s a conscious choice to be happy and content despite the stress in my life. Today, it’s choosing positive energy rather than letting stress weigh on me.
Michelle Kowalski, a writer, editor and photography hobbiest living in Phoenix, was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in February 2005. In January 2008, as part of her quest to start on an insulin pump, Michelle learned that she actually has type 1 diabetes. (Read More)
Nicole Purcell lists having type 1 diabetes last when she's asked to provide information about herself - because that's where it belongs. (Read More)