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October 20, 2016
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Life is very weird lately. Sometimes I feel on top of the world and sometimes all the emotions flood in and I find myself confused beyond all belief. Earlier this week, I was on a date with Ross when all the nostalgia came back and my heart just sank. Everything was going well, maybe too well, and standing there in that moment it hit me that my life is never going to be the same. I know I’ve realized this again and again, but acceptance is a tricky thing. It comes and goes.

Last year, if you had asked me what I’d be doing in June of 2013, I would have said that I’d still be at my old job, living away from family, and engaged and planning a wedding. I would never have guessed this route where I have this job, a new guy, and I’m living with family. If you’d asked if I could ever love again right after Marvin and I ended things, I would have said eventually, but definitely not next year. If you’d asked if there was a light at the other end, I would have assured you there was but it couldn’t happen so unexpectedly and quickly.

There is still healing to do and I think there probably always will be a little broken piece. I loved Marvin with all my heart and planned a life with him for over three years. I still love him in some regard. I still miss my best friend. But right now, I see that it’s okay to be happy again. It’s okay to move on. It’s okay to find yourself content and whole. Even when nostalgia hits and you want to shut down everything in that moment.

The thing about acceptance, of anything, is that it’s continuous. Even though I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes in 1993, my acceptance came and went. I finally accepted it in childhood after some therapy and good parenting. Then the teen years hit and I had to find acceptance all over again. I highly doubt if I won’t struggle with my acceptance of this disease again in my lifetime- maybe when I have kids. Acceptance is an on-going battle that you have to keep checking in with to see how that progress is going. It isn’t easy. It doesn’t always feel good.

That’s what I determined earlier this week as I let nostalgia and fear and every drop of acceptance wash over me. I let myself pull back only for a moment and observe, but after those moments, I had to push myself forward and through the acceptance. I had to get to the other side and recognize that this is the new life and it’s okay. As things move forward in my life, maybe with Ross even, I know I’ll be having this same conversation with myself. I’ll be pushing myself forward and letting it wash over me. It’ll hurt and I’ll struggle in that moment but in the end, I’ll have to get back up and keep walking ahead.

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