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Taking it Back
We’re already to Day 18 of Health Activist Writer’s Challenge Month. Today, we’re talking about words that we wish we could take back. Was it something that you said in anger/frustration/irritation from your condition and want to take back? Or was it someone else who said something and wants to take it back?
I’m going to venture out just a little bit from the prompt today. I want to write about the emotional side of Marvin and I’s conversation back in January when we were discussing reconciliation. I’m content with the words that I spoke because they weren’t spoken out of frustration, anger, resentment, or irritation. They were honest and true. And I don’t think that Marvin wishes he could take back those words because again, they were honest and true. We weren’t fighting or frustrated. We were broken and trying to find our way.
Having spent time reflecting over our relationship and conversations these past few months, I’ve had a lot of time to think about the consequences of that last discussion. At that time, he explained that a long-term issue in our relationship was my health. He felt aggravated that I wasn’t healthy, that he couldn’t make it better, and that sometimes I didn’t feel well. That led to him treating me different than he wanted to, but he wasn’t sure how to change that or if he could. For years, we watched his uncle struggle with multiple health conditions that affect all aspects of his life. Marvin didn’t want to sign up for that future.
As I reflected over these words, my emotions shifted from anger and frustration to sadness and grief. It hasn’t been easy to hear that this affected our relationship and it was only disclosed at the end. I still love Marvin and wish that we could make things work. I believe life is too short to live without those we love, but I also know that not all love can last and sometimes people leave our lives and we have to move on. After all the words and conversations over our relationship though, there are some I wish that we could remove from the table. I wish these were them.
I hate that this has tainted my view of love and relationships. I hate that diabetes is in the mix. I hate that sometimes my brain thinks that we would last if there was a cure. Or maybe if I got an artificial pancreas. Maybe that would do it. The worst part is that I know, at the end of the day, that there is nothing that can be changed in this aspect of our relationship. I cannot take away my health conditions and sadly, I cannot change how he responds to them.
Mainly, I wish that I could take those words and that reasoning back because of how I look at relationships in the future. I know that there are many men who wouldn’t blink twice at any health issue. I’ve been with a couple of them. I also know that some people aren’t meant to deal with chronic health conditions (that’s why those of us with them are so freaking strong). But it’s hard to reconcile in my heart that someone couldn’t love me enough to overlook how I’m high and low. It’s hard to not be fearful of coming across that in my next relationship, years down the line. Who’s to say that it won’t be a surprise again?
I appreciate that Marvin and I were honest to each other throughout our relationship (at least, to some degree because I do feel like holding this back until the end was a lie). But I would take back those words and leave it with some other reason as to why we had no future. I wish that I didn’t have to think that diabetes changed my life so drastically. There are a lot of other emotions involved in this ordeal, but at the basics of it all, I wish diabetes wasn’t in the picture at all. After 20 years of it getting in the way too often, this is not where I wanted it to be.
In complete confession, this post scares me to send out to all of you. It is honest and still very broken as I’ll be processing Marvin and me for a ways down the road. I’ve tried to keep the private aspects of our relationship and our ending private, but there are times when I feel that sharing these emotions are important because of the people who may experience the same thing. I hope that these words help and I hope that Marvin would understand.
Michelle Kowalski, a writer, editor and photography hobbiest living in Phoenix, was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in February 2005. In January 2008, as part of her quest to start on an insulin pump, Michelle learned that she actually has type 1 diabetes. (Read More)
Nicole Purcell lists having type 1 diabetes last when she's asked to provide information about herself - because that's where it belongs. (Read More)