I’ve written about the “diabetes secret handshake” on previous occasions – the externally-visible insulin pump, the furtive-but-public jab of an insulin pen, the naturally-obsessive counting of M&Ms, Smarties, or raisins – or the presence of glucose tablets.

Not that I really need them, but over time I’ve acquired a small stash of glucose tabs at health fairs and diabetes expos.Since another colleague – who works at an adjacent station where he cannot keep “food” – has a history of metformin-mediated lows, I’ve taken to keeping one of those tubes stashed in the unlocked space of my workspace, to be used if/as needed, no questions asked.

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It's 10:30 p.m. on a Wednesday night. I'm not ready to go to bed, yet I know I need to. I'm not tired; I know that if I "go to bed" I'll lie there awake, which will only piss me off.

I've been sitting at the computer for an hour trying to figure out how to make a Flash slideshow presentation for my web site. It's a lot more complicated than I thought it would be. There's HTML involved. That's almost as bad as making me do math.

And... am I shaking? Yes. But the energy involved in walking to the next room to grab my meter to test is not appetizing right now. Because I know if I walk into my dark bedroom to test my sugar I'll be lulled into bed and as I mentioned before... I'm not ready to go to bed yet.

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"It’s classic OCD," the therapist said.

I wish I could blame diabetes for this, but I don’t think I can. While diabetes didn’t cause Charlie to have OCD, it did provide him with something to be obsessively compulsive about. The thought that his blood sugar could go dangerously low at any time provides the anxiety which triggers the compulsion to test his blood sugar all day long.

He’s showing other behaviors associated with OCD, but it's probably best that I keep those private.

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My family always ate pretty healthy. With two older brothers, there was always a lot of food around. Stew, king ranch chicken, hamburgers. But always balanced meals. We knew that veggies were good for us, fruit was always accessible, and desserts were minimal.

It was never an issue to eat a salad or mixed vegetables. I don't recall ever feeling jeopardized for not snacking or having instant access to ice cream, cookies, and cake. They were treats that we always enjoyed, but in moderation.

I never really thought about food (or don't remember it) as helping or hurting my diabetes though. It wasn't ever really about how celery is a free food, but cookies weren't. I just ate what was placed in front of me or what I found in the fridge.

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My blood sugars have been pretty bad these last two days. I am just not feeling like doing anything with the diabetes at the moment. My mind is distracted with thoughts of careers, moving, and sleep. I'm also in "hunger" mode where I just want to eat and eat and never stop eating. I constantly have an appetite, as if I'd been starving for months on end.

It's pretty normal for me to feel that way every now and then. Sometimes it's hormone related, sometimes it's just my body telling me to eat a few more calories. But it always wreaks havoc on my blood sugars. I'm just not accustomed to eating so much in one sitting or to drinking large sugary drinks. So even with insulin, my body just wants to backfire and run high.

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Did they notice? Was it obvious that something was... off? Did they wonder why I got so quiet? That I was saying stupid things?

I had tested at 110 mg/dL shortly before lunch. A and I drove to Wendy's to pick something up. I may have felt it before we walked into the cafeteria at work, but I can't really remember.

I felt it as I started eating. We were sitting with J, whose 7-year-old daughter was diagnosed with type 1 just over a year ago. It was mild, though, and I fooled myself into thinking it would go away.

Complex carbs. I had no fast sugar. It kept me from saying anything, from getting up to look for sugar, from asking for help. I knew J would understand the urgency. But it didn't feel urgent. It felt... foggy.

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